Here Comes the Gown*

Hours spent driving to dress appointments: 3

Actual hours spent in appointments: 4.5

Number of gowns my sister originally wanted me to see: 2

Gowns my sister tried on: 24

Gowns we are still trying to decide between: 2

Number of times shop assistants invoked Grace Kelly: 7

Times shop assistants used the word “romantic” to describe a gown: 22

Times “romantic” was coupled with “yet modern”: 14

Times my sister used the word “well-cut” to describe a gown: 6

Times she asked me, “Well, if you were getting married, which would you choose?”: 19

Times she said: “But you didn’t cry when I tried on that one. Are you going to cry at my wedding?”: 4

Number of times I lost my temper: 1

Times – when contemplating a plain gown – we were told “the bride is the entertainment”: 1

Minutes shop assistants left us alone in the dressing room: 4

Number of gowns I was curious to know if anyone ever bought: 4

Percentage of gowns we saw on other brides that we couldn’t believe they were considering buying: 50

Number of times I caught my sister angling her left hand so her engagement ring would catch the light: At least 60.

When asked which type of gown he’d prefer, number of times my brother-in-law-to-be said: “Whichever is easier to get off, I guess": 1

Ratio of gowns to times shop assistants said: “You’ll make a beautiful [insert name of designer of gown my sister currently had on her body] bride”: 1:1

Ratio of average price of my sister’s favorite gowns to the cost of my cranberry Pottery Barn sleeper sofa: 2:1

Ratio to 1 month’s rent in my London flat: 3:1

*with apologies to the Harpers Index