I usually get offered juice cleanses (no thank you!) and food bars/healthy snacks/meal replacements (ditto). I stopped taking the latter because I never particularly wanted to eat them and so they’d inevitably end up part of a binge. I tell publicists politely that I don’t accept food or drink.
But when a publicist related to an exercise/wellness company asked me for my address recently, for some reason I didn’t bother to ask her what for – the company doesn’t sell anything edible.
Yesterday I arrived home to find a box from a cheesecake company, which informed me it contained dry ice and “frozen dessert.” I left it downstairs. I was annoyed – I didn’t want this cheesecake and hadn’t asked for it, and I didn’t feel like spending time trying to figure out where I could donate it so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty for throwing it out. (When my dad’s girlfriend sent me chocolate for my birthday, I gave it to the woman who does my eyebrows. But what to do with a whole cheesecake?)
I texted a friend.
“It’s a bomb. Throw it out,” she replied instantly.
And so I did, on my way out the door later that evening.
Unfortunately (well, maybe not unfortunately, because it was fun), the evening included a lot of drinks (and also some singing along to a Madonna medley, which should give you a hint how many drinks). I was just congratulating myself for having resisted the urge for pizza when I remembered the cheesecake. Which was still in its unopened dry ice-filled box, still in the huge waist-high garbage bin by the front door of the building.
Reader, I did it. If I were Bridget Jones, I would have been stuck in the bin with the lid having fallen on me, my arse in the air. As it was I thought the lid was going to snap my neck off. Not that there is any graceful way to go dumpster diving, and no that any of this stopped me. I was imagining smooth, creamy cheesecake. Instead it was highly frozen cheesecake bites. A bunch of which I ate anyway. No thank you, exercise-company-who-shall-remain-nameless (there was a note from them in the box).
This after a day where I saw some pictures of me and was truly appalled by how big I was.