Today I went to put on my trusty black jeans and panicked. Like, properly froze and felt slightly sick. I was standing in the gym with no other clothing if they didn’t fit, and I thought wildly about what I would do if they didn’t, since I’d already showered and stuffed my sweaty leggings into a plastic bag with my other sweaty clothes.
I hadn’t worn the black jeans for two weeks – I’d washed them and wore other jeans and then I found myself avoiding them and then, conveniently, it was something approximating summer and so I wore more summery things and avoided them some more.
Until today, when I decided I had to face them.
The craziest part of all this is that I haven’t binged or even especially overeaten (except maybe a little at one Sunday lunch that the hosts didn’t serve until 4 pm and there were no snacks). I haven’t been able to run (issue with dizziness I think I’ve mentioned before) but I’ve been to the gym and to Pilates. It’s just vestigial panic. In the past the only reason I stopped wearing anything was because it stopped fitting, and washing jeans was… uh… not something I ever did if I could avoid it (I know, gross, but true). I mean, what if they shrank even a teeny bit? (If that happened they wouldn’t have fit, and we all know how horrible and traumatic jeans-buying can be. Or any kind of clothing buying, when it is the next size or three up. Because I only went to a shop when my jeans actually busted, which usually meant they were about two sizes too small.)
Oh -- and if I put anything away for a season, I’d always hope it would be too big by the time it came to wear it again. Inevitably it was too small.
Today, when the black jeans fit just fine, I thought about how sad the feelings the episode brought up – and how incredibly grateful I am that for right now, that’s not my life.
I’ve resisted posting again since my last post not because things have been bad, but because I’ve been reluctant to tempt fate. Things feel better and easier -- like something has shifted – but I’m aware of how quickly things can change again, and how little it takes for that to happen. And so I remain vigilant. And also – I need to repeat this again – grateful.