Monday, 8 July 2013

Going Bananas

Early this evening – and ironically, after sitting around thinking how nice it has been not to be recovering from a binge – I nearly did.

I’ve been hungry and tired today, and the soupy heat hasn’t helped. I sat in the air conditioning in the foyer of the gym (just because it was convenient, and I didn’t feel like dealing with Starbucks) idly checking messages, reading my newspaper, and then a book.

It was nearly time for dinner when I opened my bag and realized there was a banana in it.

A banana. I mean, who cares about a banana? To quote Oprah, nobody ever got fat eating a banana.

I had it unpeeled and was about to take a bite. I usually have fruit in the evening, I reasoned, so maybe I could just count this as that. But because of hunger I was having dinner earlier than usual, which meant I’d likely want my fruit snack later even more than usual.

I could feel the thoughts threatening to engulf me: The exhaustion of thinking about everything. The fear of being unceasingly hungry. The end of a long weekend where I have wasted a lot of time, and the onset of a week I’m not sure I have the energy to face, for no particular reason other than my weariness with everything at the moment.

Suddenly I knew it wouldn’t be just a banana I ate. And that if I ate it all night the thoughts would claw at me. Maybe I could have just this, or just that, or…

Or no. I was about to shove a banana in my mouth on my way to dinner. I mean, WTF?

I threw out the banana.

Two hours after dinner, I had two plums -- and no regrets. 

Day 40. 

Friday, 5 July 2013

Independence Day

Today is 37 days since my last binge.

I can’t yet – and if I am honest, probably never will – say I’ve found total freedom from bingeing, but let’s just say that the trial separation has been pretty nice (though not at all easy).

And as I think I mentioned, Weight Watchers and I are dating. And so far I’m down 11.4 pounds.

I know this is Weight Loss 101, which apparently too much frosting or similar this year has obliterated from my brain, but I’m finding it very helpful to plan out the night before exactly what I’m going to eat and – here’s the key – stick to it. Every single time I want to change the plan (except for things like accepting a last-minute invitation to dinner), I ask myself why. Usually it is because I have work I want to avoid, I’ve just seen something that looks good (I can always have it tomorrow, is what I tell myself), or any number of not-really-legit reasons.

I know it makes me sound completely crazy, but having no need to obsess about what I’m having for lunch as soon as I’ve finished breakfast leaves me a lot of free time and headspace.

Which obviously I immediately use to solve world peace, write the great American novel, calculate how long it will be until lunch.