Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Fashion Math

I did the math and realized the very fitted autumn/winter top I plucked from my closet in a hurry today is one I bought a year ago. It makes me happy just to think about that (and not just because a fund I invested a lot of money in went bust...)

It’s a seriously novel feeling – pulling out things I haven’t worn for months and being quite sure they’ll fit. I’m not sure I’ve ever had this feeling – I can’t remember a time when I stayed approximately the same size for a year. I’m always in the middle of a gain cycle or the middle of a lose cycle – neither of which are conducive to a closet of things to wear (that actually fit). Equally novel: The idea that I could actually do that thing I’ve been reading about in fashion magazines all my life, which is to buy a couple of accessories to update my wardrobe. (Let me stress that I could do this, but I probably won’t. I’m not that organized, I’m fairly indecisive, and, erm, see “investment funds went bust,” as above.)

The little boost I’m getting every time I catch sight of my top is particularly nice because I need it so badly: Some, erm, emotional turmoil combined with the onset of the gray English autumn has made me crave carbs carbs carbs – I think I’m stealing this phrase from Wendy, but basically, if I could crawl inside a loaf of white bread, I’d be delighted. If there were pasta there, too, I’d think it was nirvana. It’s more difficult than usual to get out of bed and exercise in the mornings. I haven’t been to yoga for ages both because our new deadline schedule makes it impossible and because I’ve been having to do a rethink of my previous any-money-spent-on-exercise-is-totally-justified policy. I haven’t felt much like running, although – partially inspired by Jess – I’ve been back at it and even signed up for the Paris half marathon in March. (No, I’m not sure what I was thinking.) I know my goal should be just to finish, but secretly, I’d really like to finish in less than 2:10. Need to get with the program – or really, a program – and get training…

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Filled Up

Last night the unthinkable happened.

I was served a plate of a Persian stew I’d ordered and thought: Wow, that is an enormous amount of food. So far, so what, right?

And then I thought: I can’t possibly eat all that.

Not: I shouldn’t eat all that (although I thought that too), but There is no freakin’ way my stomach will hold all of that.

I divided the plate in half – and ate ¾ of the half. And didn’t think about it any more.

* * *

It’s been 39 days since I’ve binged – what I think is the longest I’ve gone this calendar year, and just may be the longest I’ve gone in a year, full stop. When I went to see my binge-eating therapist yesterday, he commented on how much more hopeful I looked. And that’s exactly how I feel.

In Spain on Monday I rode a horse through the Andalucian countryside at sunset -- an absolutely gorgeous two-hour paseo on a white Portuguese horse called Companera. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we didn't end up getting a booking until the last minute, at just after 8 p.m., and had no time to eat dinner. It was 10:30 pm before my friend and I were at a restaurant looking at menus.

"I thought I'd be starving by now," I said.

"You were filled up with what you were doing," she answered.

Weight today: 11 stone 5 (159 lbs).

* * *

What? What’s that you say? You say today is Saturday? (Why is it that I still remember Shel Silverstein poems I read 20 years ago?)

Let’s try this again. What’s that you say? You say you want to hear about Bachelor No. 2?

Hmmm, that doesn’t rhyme so well. I’m sure I could turn that into some sort of tortured metaphor for how he fits into my life, but, erm, I won’t.

Let’s just say there is still some unfinished business there. After some crazy-girl behavior on my part in Venice – and it was, undeniably, crazy girl behavior, no matter how much I blame his crazy boy behavior for it – I thought things would be game over.

Nope. In fact, he turned into Superpossessive Boy while I was away in Spain for 10 days (where I was until yesterday), saying my lack of contact was making him paranoid. Um, hello. Welcome to my world, I felt like saying. But didn’t.

I am picking my way through this slowly. I’m angry – and at the same time, I can find humor in my situation. I think both of these are good things.

I know I’ve been quite vague about what’s going on, and that’s partly been because I’ve been traveling (Venice, Miami, Malaga, Carratraca, Arcos, Seville), partly because it seems to change more times in a day than either San Francisco’s or London’s weather, and partly because I’ve been very busy. Some day I’ll get this all on paper (but I'm afraid it isn't going to be today -- and probably not tomorrow, either.)

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Down the Rabbit Hole

You know you're in some kind of alternate universe when one of the other women your boyfriend is dating/trying to sleep with texts you to tell you that she's Googled you and that you sound lovely and way too good for him and that you need to promise to leave him.

And then two days later attributes various missed calls and things to you, accuses you of harassing her and calls boyfriend to complain about it.

Curious, much?

Updates to come. In the meantime, I haven't binged in 24 days -- 24 days that have included the Venice Film Festival, Miami (mega family time), and some major major BN2 drama (but you probably guessed that last bit).

Stay tuned...