In the past two weeks, I’ve started multiple posts but been unable to finish them. It’s been 107 days of This Thing I’m Doing, and I’ve lost 29.5 pounds. Still no one who doesn’t know about my efforts has noticed, and I veer between feeling a little thinner and feeling very, very fat. Frequently in the same day, and sometimes in the same trip to the bathroom (one peek at the mirror on the way in and another on the way out).
Today I wore a pair of James jeans I bought at Filene’s Basement in Boston in early November, thrilled that I’d found a size 34 (a rarity in premium brand denim, which often tops out at 32), and even more thrilled that they were marked down to $50. I was also more than a little bit sad. Sad that the last time I’d tried on a pair of James I was trying to decide whether a size 30 was too big. It was February 2005, and I was standing in a boutique in Chicago, close to the thinnest I’ve ever been despite a mad, shameful binge at the Four Seasons in Jakarta (where I got a couple of days to recover after three gruelling weeks covering the Asian tsunami) and an equally mad one in Afghanistan a little more than a week later.
My size 34 James were, of course, too small in November, but I bought them anyway, hoping I’d be able to do something about my weight when I got back to London. I wish I’d taken pictures of how much the jeans gaped when I first pulled them on months ago – how far they were from fitting – because now I can’t remember. I remember trying them on all too often over the past few months, thinking how slim I’d feel once they fit, because hey, unless you count the Sevens at Lane Bryant (which I don’t, because I think they’re hideous), premium brand denim most definitely is not something you find in the plus size department.
Now the jeans fit but I feel huge in them. I find fault with body parts that never bothered me before. I see an apron of fat around my waist that doesn’t seem to be shrinking even slightly, and wonder if this is the price I’m paying – and will continue to pay – for having so abused my body, having lost and gained literally hundreds of pounds, often very quickly.
I know from past experience that the next 15 pounds can make a startling difference. I just hope I can hang on until then.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Just because no one has said anything to you doesn't mean they haven't noticed. I think some (thin) people are afraid that if they acknowledge that you've lost weight (especially if you have some still to lose), it is the same as saying "hey, I noticed that you used to be really fat but now you are not quite as fat".
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the weight loss and on the 34s. And do hang on. Where would you like to be 2 months from now? Celebrating that your 34s are too big or still feeling fat in them or worse, not able to get them on any more.