Saturday 18 August 2007

Head Games

Tuesday I started to write a post about my yo-yoing feelings about my weight and how I look, but my feelings have changed (again and again) since Tuesday.

I was feeling positive Tuesday. After days of the Aimee Mann song "Calling It Quits" playing in my head, I'd been debating doing just that. Not giving in on the whole weight loss caper, just stopping now and trying to maintain, as opposed to getting frustrated trying to go lower, bingeing out of frustration, then not stopping until I've put the whole 60 pounds back on plus more.

But Tuesday as I tried Power Plate (is it me, or does that sound like some kind of New Age diet?), I thought: I'm going to do this. I'm going to blast through the last nine pounds I have to get to the very top of the weight range for my height.

And then the rest of the week I've not been so sure. I'm sure that I want to do it - I'm just not so sure that I can do it. I think about how many events I have over the upcoming weeks - dinners, barbecues, drinks, holidays (both of the American and British definition), weddings, the Venice Film Festival - and I think about how my weight is going to go. At best, it will go up down up down - at worst, well... that's why I'm trying to sort myself out on paper now. I'm at the point where small cheats (of the kind one might do at any of those events) add up to no losses - or even gains.

To complicate matters, I'm frustrated with my progress. I catch sight of myself in pictures and random mirrors and am not thrilled. I read success stories that include bikini-buying and think: "I am nowhere near that" (not that a bikini is something I ever plan on wearing). And – for some reason, the worst - Wednesday, in pre-date (more on that later) frenzy, dug out some trousers from the last time I reached what I thought was this approximate size. They were a bit too tight, one pair unwearably so. Will nine pounds make that much difference? I fear that it won't. I say "fear" because I fear what sacrifices it will take to lose these nine pounds – and the further sacrifices that would be required to get, and stay, lower than that. I remember starving in diets past, and exercising for hours, and lying to friends and family to avoid eating. While I know I am capable of that, I also know that I shouldn't.

I’d really like to lose that nine pounds. I’m just worried about where I ought to draw the line about what I’m willing to do to get there.

* * *

So the dates. Actually, there were two -- one on Wednesday and one on Thursday. Wednesday's was with a German guy I didn't fancy in the slightest but figured perhaps I ought to give it a chance. I was irritated with him from the moment he arrived -- I'd been standing near the doorway of the pub because I needed to check my phone and the reception in there is terrible. He arrived late, didn't apologize and said of my location: "Did you think I was going to miss you?" He then proceeded to finish my every other sentence, and not at all in the way that I would have finished them. Worse, he kept touching me -- not in any overly sexual way, just overly familiar. From about the 15-minute mark, he kept patting my knee (we were sitting together on a sofa) or my arm. Ugh. I debated saying something -- it was making me uncomfortable -- but couldn't think of what to say that wouldn't make it even more uncomfortable. Of course, he e-mailed the next day, wanting to go out for dinner next week. No, danke schoen.

Thursday I went out with the most persistent British man I've ever met in my life. We met a couple of months ago at the Cuckoo Club. He's a friend of a friend -- they went out on a few dates, and (he doesn't know I know this) she thought he was great but just didn't fancy him. He's texted several times since then, and I finally thought, "Oh, why not?" (I confess I was worn down slightly by the persistence -- it is somewhat flattering.) It was a fun if very British (alcohol, no food, though at least he did pay) date, but I think I feel the same way about him that my friend does.

3 comments:

  1. I think as you get closer to your goal weight, the impetus to make the sacrifices necessary to lose more declines. I'mm only half a stone from my goal and it is 2 steps forward 1 1/2 back. very frustrating and going to yet another social event and not eating or drinking is really pissing me off!!

    I have made a decision to do this diet for 2 more weeks and then start the process of eating normally - so whatever I lose over those 2 weeks will be a bonus! Would that sort of time limited approach for you work do you think?

    I'm thinking that I can always try and tackle that final half stone later if it bothers me but it obviously doesn't bother me sufficiently now.

    I hope your next dates are a bit more inspiring. Good luck with that.

    Lesley x

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  2. I have thought about giving it a year -- which would mean another 3 months. Trouble is between now and then there are SO many events and holidays and assignments that will pull me out of my routine... I had hoped to be at goal for a wedding at the end of September, but that's just not going to happen.

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  3. "He then proceeded to finish my every other sentence, and not at all in the way that I would have finished them."

    Love that.

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