One minute I was composing (mentally) a jaunty entry about Bootcamp on the Bosphorus (really! I went on Friday morning while Friend Bearing Chocolate and another friend slept!), and the next...
Well, the next I'm sitting here with my head more full of what delights I could stuff myself with for dinner after a couple of hours ago having one of the worst binges I've had in years – and at an airport, something I also haven't done in ages. A binge, I might add, that was 100 percent sober, and a binge that occurred after two days of bingeing in Turkey followed by one day (yesterday) of seriously messy eating.
Why did I binge? I'm not sure. Stress. Also relief, bizarrely enough. And anxiety about events over the next couple of weeks, and the merry-go-round of madness it feels like I'm on. Because it was 2 pm Turkey time but only noon UK time when I landed and I'd already eaten lunch and was still hungry despite extra snacks. Because I Because I have to finish my taxes and have dinner with O. tomorrow, neither of which I want to do (the latter mostly because my stomach is so distended I look like I'm about to give birth, and I don't care what you say, O is one of the infuriating types who will notice). Because I have to chase invoices and do interviews and pitch for more work and answer e-mails and attempt not to be totally self centered and decide which continent I'm going to live on and be OK with the fact that I could be alone for the rest of my life. Also because I have to exercise and watch what I eat (almost) every day for, like, the rest of my bloody life.
I don't want to do any of this.
(Clearly eating doughnuts and cake and chocolate is going to make all of these things go away, hmmm?)
I'll spare you the rant about why I can't overeat like a normal person (at the moment, I just don't seem to be able to without it veering into a binge). I will say that curiously, sometimes being (fairly) regimented about my food and exercise seems a very, very small price to pay for a clear head, clothes I know will fit, and little if any regret about behaviour (see clear head, as before). Other times it seems like a deal with the devil.
***
Meanwhile, just about the moment Thursday yours truly ended her prohibition on alcohol and got a table of Turkish men at abracadabra to send us drinks and dessert for FBC's birthday, my twin sister was bringing home the remaining 2/3 of her children. (The oldest of the triplets, Alex, left the hospital Monday. Ethan and Jacob – who also happen to be twins – were a little further behind on the development scale so had to stay a bit longer.)
"I'm sure it's chaotic around there but are there times that are better than others to call?" I emailed my sister this afternoon.
Immediate response: "Ugh. I think I cried more than Alex this morning. First triple outing to the pediatrician this afternoon. Maybe try after that?"
Quite literally, I think I'll take the cake.
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You don't seem to be beating yourself up about the binge so that is good 'cos you don't need that stress on top of the rest of it!! Is there anyway you can just have a small break from al the chores and stress? Do nothing for a day and just give yourself a break?
ReplyDeleteI know it's not always possible but you might find yourself better able to plow through what has to be done if you re-charge the batteries and just have some fun.
Just a thought.
Lesley xxx
This post really hit home for me...especially, "and be OK with the fact that I could be alone for the rest of my life"...being OK with it, is sometimes easy...other days not so much. I know how you feel. Sigh.
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