How Do You Like Them Apples? (Passover Edition)

[I’m not attempting to get more traffic to my SELF blog, only letting you know that what I’ve posted there in the past few weeks is rather honest and -- should anyone want it -- gives a bit more of what I've been up to. I’ve been so exhausted and short on time I’m afraid I haven’t been able to post in both places – I’ve only just barely managed to throw something together to post there.]

Some people drink wine or warm milk or take Nyquil or something stronger to get to sleep. Me? I binge.

If I look back, I can see the signs: The general malaise and inability to settle to one thing. The list of decisions to be made was getting longer, and the urgency with which I need to make them, or start making them, was getting stronger. The fear was mounting. As was the list of unpleasant tasks (and that’s not even including the decisions).

I can see very clearly – and in fact, understood while I was bingeing – that I ate too much purely to shut down. I don’t sleep much these days. I worry a lot. I wake up at 4 am and sit in the bathroom and send emails from my iphone to my work account, reminding myself of things I need to do. I think about quitting this job that I hate so very much and then I get to work and the managing editor compliments me on my shoes and I feel guilty.

Anyway.

So on Monday I went to a Passover seder at a friend’s family – a friend I know through my grandmother, and who all knew her. (My friend’s grandma, who was there, knew my grandmother for some 70 years. My friend’s father was a good friend of my uncle, my mother’s younger brother, who died suddenly when I was in college.) I felt welcome, yes, but also stray-molecule-ish – almost everyone else at the seder has been attending since birth or at least for the past 40 years. The only other non-family member in attendance besides me has been coming for at least 10 years.

I felt antsy waiting to get through the Haggadah reading to get to the eating parts. I wanted water or diet Coke to take the edge off, but it wasn’t really appropriate. I kept trying to calm myself down, but I couldn’t. Already my mind was drifting to how quickly I could get through the dinner to go off and binge.

Except I didn’t make it quite that far – I did manage to binge there. Double chocolate macaroons, mandel bread, a cross between an apple pie and a crumb cake made specially for Passover. I was invited that night to return for Seder 2, but it seemed like a bad idea. I got given some leftovers and I ate them on the subway.

I was stuffed, but still I managed to go and eat about ¾ of a corn muffin I don’t even remember the taste of. I thought about eating more, but instead I got myself home and went to sleep. For 10 hours. Without waking up in the middle of the night. If I could have gotten the uninterrupted sleep without the guilt of having eaten too much, I’d have been delighted. (Maybe I really should just try some Nyquil.)

***

On the plus side, I have pretty much been rockin’ the workouts for the past couple of weeks. I had a bit of a revelation at a spin class nearly two weeks ago, and – at least temporarily – it has done a lot for my focus and intensity. I don’t think about just logging the minutes: I think about what I can squeeze out of them. The other day I could swear I felt cartoon flames enveloping my thighs when I did an exercise. This is a good thing!