Friday 27 April 2012

Another Low

Just when I think I've hit the bottom, I just keep on digging.

A week ago, a friend who has a history of bingeing called me. I was in mid-binge after a haircut (seriously, sometimes that is a trigger for me – all dressed up, so to speak, and nowhere to go) and a lame-ish event. It was approximately my fourth binge in two weeks, and I was on my fourth or fifth stop of the evening, wandering around the bodega thinking: "I cannot live this way anymore." And yet there I was – having eaten cake and pie and heaven knows what else -- buying a bloody ice cream sandwich.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I saw her name flash up, and chose not to answer it. Then I thought: I should call her back.

"How are you?" she said.

"I'm eating an ice cream sandwich," I blurted out, starting to cry halfway through the sentence.

She talked to me all the way home, past the bodega on Bleecker Street, past the Magnolia Bakery, past countless other stops I might have made – or made excuses to get off the phone and make.

I thought I had turned a corner. I woke up the next morning feeling crummy, but not as crummy as I would have felt if I'd carried on bingeing. I got through the Friday. But then I started bingeing before a dinner party Saturday night and carried on bingeing afterwards. (At the party: An adorable MD/PhD who lives in San Francisco and throws words around like "bioinformatics." Swoon. I know, I'm weird.) Sunday I woke up and could not face figuring out what to wear – because so many things were already so tight.

I binged Sunday. One long, continuous binge that only stopped, mercifully, because I had promised to take two editor friends to spin class Monday at 8 am, and I knew there would be a point where I absolutely could not do it. (Sometimes – hell, often -- this does not stop me but in this case luckily it did.)

I have not binged for four days, but it has been a struggle. I've been unable to exercise due to recovery from being sick – and from having woken up yesterday inexplicably unable to put weight on my left heel. (Really hoping this is not plantar fasciitis.) Being sick makes everything feel a bit gray anyway, and for the first time in several months, I've been struggling with getting work.

Last night I went with a friend to a trivia night in Brooklyn and ate a huge, greasy sandwich. En route to the bar I had eyed places I could binge, and I thought about them for the first half hour in the bar, and again at a break between rounds. It seemed a dead cert that I was minutes away from stuffing my face.

Somehow – I am honestly not sure how – I did not. Maybe it was the dread of having _really_ nothing to wear at a lunch and another event to which I knew I had to go today. Maybe it was something in the ether – or the sauvignon blanc (ha). Nor did I binge today, although I so wanted to after lunch.

Now it's nearly 2 am, and here I am, tappity-tap-tapping away and thinking I should go to bed because being tired is one surefire way to make it easier to binge. Will I ever get to 30 days again? I can't think that far ahead. One day at a time…

1 comment:

  1. Oh Beth. It's hard to know what to say. I just want to scoop you up in a big hug and make it all better but know I can't do that from soaking North Derbyshire.

    Are you currently getting any help with dealing with the bingeing? I know you worked out the WHY a while ago and this did not unfortunately stop the doing of it but wonder if some form of practical assistance might be in order.

    You're probably already doing that so ignore me if so but, if not, would something like OA or CBT help you cement the good behaviours you already know more firmly into place??

    That or a total change of scene and a removal from the temptations of so many gorgeous food sources?

    All easier said than done I know but worth mentioning. Let me know if you rather I don't make suggestions though as it can be annoying when, if all you want to do is vent and be supported, someone says "have you tried this?" and "have you done that?" when you have and they don't work, thankyouverymuch.....I wouldn't be offended...

    Anyway, you're in my thoughts and I hope life gets a bit easier for a while and that you find some nice, juicy work assignments very soon.

    Lesley xx

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