A week ago, I paid some
$90 for three bites of dinner that made me feel sick.
It wasn’t the restaurant’s
fault – I’d binged beforehand. (I’m not sure how much I spent on that: $30?) I was set off, I think, by a mix of
frustration and loneliness. Frustration because a friend’s request that we meet
for dinner at 9:15 pm at an overcrowded restaurant that doesn’t take
reservations caused me so much anxiety and paralysis. Frustration that I
couldn’t reach anyone for advice. Frustration that after all of these years of
fighting, I am overweight again. Frustration that after all of these years of
fighting, I am still, well, fighting.
And shot through it all, like
chocolate in stracciatella gelato, the feeling of being utterly alone.
I have started and not
finished so many posts over the past month or so, but here is the thing: If I am honest, despite seeing a
nutritionist and a therapist I seem to be getting worse and not better.
(If I am optimistic, which I manage occasionally, I hope it is that I have to
get worse before I get better.)
I managed 29 days without a
binge right when I began seeing the nutritionist. Since then it has been
approximately one binge every week to 14 days.
I had hoped 2013 would be the
year I didn’t binge – I had made it to January 13, including a visit to friends
in Provence starting an artisanal ice cream business, without one. I’ve had two since then.
Still I don’t say tomorrow is
another day, because – as I try to remind myself – I don’t have to wait to stop
bingeing. I can stop right now.
Well.. at least you can feel good that some readers are burning up with envy that you went to Provence... ;)
ReplyDeleteMy worst phase of bingeing was right before I stopped. I remember it because I was on holiday in Aussie for 3 weeks and the first two weeks were basically an eatfest. A SECRET eatfest, because I was with my partner and trying to not let him notice how much I was packing away. Beginning of the 3rd week (it was 7/7/07 - easy to remember)I shopped for bigger clothes and decided that no matter what, even if I stayed chubby forever, no more bingeing. There has been the occasional slip up and backsliding, but I never went back to the bad old days and in the last year have only 'splurged' (new terminology) when I've had too many drinkies. That's when I realised the drinkies were the problem there, not the food... :-/
You'd be surprised how long it took to figure that one out...
Hey Beth. Glad to see you back here again. Sorry that you're feeling alone. I have seen a few posts along those lines since Christmas so, perversely, you're clearly NOT alone. But that doesn't help the feeling I know.
ReplyDeleteI doubt you are truly alone. I'm sure there are many people who would like to be there for you. Me included. Not in NY obviously but at the other end of a phone line or email or FB chat.
You not only CAN do it but you ARE doing it. And while it may be a fight now, it WILL be alright one day so lift up your eyes to the hills from whence cometh aid....it'll be along soon!
Big hugs
Lesley xx