Cheaper Than Therapy

I’ve had ice cream the past five days out of six, and yet my jeans – which I am afraid to wash – are marginally less frightening.

I’m in Provence, at my friend E’s. It wasn’t a convenient (or cheap) time to come, but E has a book due and needs help, and I jokingly justified the cost of the airline ticket as cheaper than therapy for me. In a lot of ways, this is the most relaxing place in the world for me. Except for breakfast, which I make for myself, I get served delicious food at regularly timed intervals and do virtually nothing to make that happen.

E. says I am much calmer about food than she’s ever seen me. It’s funny, since it’s been years since I’ve been so panicked about my size. It’s been months of bingeing for me – which is to say, pretty much since Christmas. I get a week here and there without, but nothing close to the sort of eating it would take actually to lose some of the weight I’ve put on. I guess I’m calmer about food here because I’m just relieved not to be bingeing – I can’t worry about whether the olive oil or the ice cream or the cheese is too much.

I’ve had a few close calls – whenever I’m left alone in the house, or at least, in the kitchen, the urge creeps in. But this has always been a safe place for me, and I want it to stay that way.