Open to the Public

There is the idea in blogland that if you disappear, it’s because you’re failing. And that’s not totally true in my case.

Yes, I’m the heaviest I’ve been in awhile. Heavy enough that I don’t like any of my clothes and I’d like to stay home and hide behind my computer instead of going out to meet editors. Heavy enough that I don’t want to get on a scale because I’m afraid it will read a number I swore I’d never go above once I got beneath it.

But I think you can only say you’ve failed if you’ve given up, and that I never have. I made it through to late November without a binge – somewhere north of 100 days, if I remember correctly. And then it’s all been touch and go since then. It was about one binge a week through the holidays, and then January and February were just… bad. March and April I think I’d scrape together about a week without a binge at a time if I was lucky, though there was also a longish stretch in London where I wasn’t eating with much restraint (except at breakfast) but I wasn’t bingeing either. May was full of celebration and so, yes, champagne and all manner of fat and sugar.

I spent the last Friday in May at another big dinner, but instead of bingeing after, as I might have done (because, you know, I’d eaten enough that I’d started to get into the headspace that I should just eat everything I ever deny myself because I’d start afresh in the morning), I went home. Day 1. Maybe not the neatest Day 1 nor one – if I carry on eating that way -- likely to shift any pounds any time soon, but a day without a binge and therefore worth noting.

So here we are. Day 17.

My plan is to post at least once a week, and if any of my old readers are left (hi!) I’ve returned the blog to public. Suffice it to say the reason it was private (I hope) has faded with time. Let’s hope my blogging skills have not…