And so I’m headed back to Asia again in three weeks, barely having recovered from the last time.
I’m not complaining; just trying to think about what I can do minimize the chances of a repeat of last time: How bad I felt about myself, how uncomfortable I was, and how quickly it all snowballed. As I think I mentioned, there was constant low and medium-level overeating, and although I could recognize it was making me feel bad, I felt powerless to stop it.
On the first trip of the year (in January), I held things together reasonably for about a week – I was still exercising (I think I managed something every third day) and eating semi-appropriately -- and then things fell apart for about the last five days. On the second trip, this last one, I did zero exercise and was overeating basically from the start.
I’ve always been a rule-based person – very black or white – and that has fueled the relentless cycle of bingeing and restricting that has gone on for most of my life. So I’m not going to make a lot of rules for myself – the minutes I break one, they all start going out the window. There are only two things I’ve decided to do.
One: I will do my physio exercises (which I do nearly every morning in London, because they keep me pain-free) within 24 hours of stepping off the plane. They aren’t really exercise in the way most of us think about it, but they are – and I hate this word, but it’s apt – self-care. I think if I can pause long enough to do them, they’ll help me be more mindful in all the rest of my choices for the day. (I didn’t do them at all on the second trip to Asia, and I could feel the difference within days. Plus, every day I felt guilty for still not having done them, and started worrying I’d never be able to get back into my routine again when I got back to London. Frankly would have been simpler just to do them once.)
Two: I’m going to do the one thing my grandmother nagged me to do at almost every single meal I ever ate with her, which is to try to leave something over on my plate. I won’t manage this every meal for sure, but I want to at least pause toward the end and think whether I need to finish.
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I’m not sure if it’s progress that I have a lot less to say on the subject of weight loss / my body / recovery than I thought (than I used to?). I do know it doesn’t make me feel very good to be putting words out into the world just for the sake of it, which I’ve been doing for the past few days.
Thus ends perhaps the world’s briefest experiment in daily posting. I am going to try to check in more regularly, though. The support here – and the space to think and try out ideas – has always meant a lot.