Tuesday 15 April 2008

Caution: Bumps for Next ??? Miles

Whenever I was upset about being single, one of my many married (or might as well be) friends would say: “Relationships are work.”

I would roll my eyes and think: Easy for you to say.

But they are work. And currently, I’m slightly exhausted by Bachelor No. 2. Maybe even weary. On both Saturday and Sunday nights we had these long, difficult conversations that are, frankly, just draining. (The last time I felt that drained was after 24 solid hours of, erm, stomach problems in East Timor and needed Sprite just to rehydrate, but we won’t go there right now.)

I spent a little time yesterday wondering if the fact that we’re having this much to sort out so early (less than four months in) means I should just end it. (Cue Aimee Mann’s “Wise Up.”) And then I decided I was being ridiculous – it doesn’t matter if other people have these kinds of problems. It matters only if I think being with him is worth all of this trouble.

And I’m not sure. Among other things: I’m not sure I can deal with I’m 32 and I don’t have a child and I’m not sure I want large chunks of my life dictated/limited/seriously affected by someone else’s, let alone someone else’s seriously inconsiderate ex-wife (who does not ever drop off child in the same hour she says she will.)

But the real issue – for me – is that BN2 wants to have it both ways. In some ways he treats me (and expects me to behave) like his girlfriend, and in others – some of them very significant – I am not. Because BN2 – citing 10-year marriage – wants to be free to do exactly as he likes. Which for a while I honestly was OK with (mostly). I didn’t necessarily like the idea of him shagging other women, but nor was I willing to close off my own options. But if this is all meant to be sort of casual – as current arrangement implies -- then how did everything get so heavy?

I’m writing this at least as much to work out my own feelings, which are – after an exhausting weekend – seriously mixed up. I felt better after one of the conversations (liken it to a really hard workout, actually – but the tiredness is a good tired), but then yesterday wondered what I’d been smoking and just felt crummy. It’s not that I necessarily want him to be my boyfriend. I just don’t know. At the moment I’ve got an email sitting in my inbox that he sent yesterday, about tickets he bought for something a month from now and how glad he was that we had the conversations we had, mostly due to my efforts. And I don’t want to answer it because I don’t know that I feel the same way.

It’s particularly ironic that one of things I really liked about BN2 from the start was the lack of drama. Now it seems there is more than enough to make up for before.

* * *

At Waitrose Sunday afternoon BN2 made a comment – sarcastic – about the joys of eating as a couple.

This was after I’d first been unable to announce off the top of my head what I wanted for dinner (“What’s the first food that comes into your mind?” he asked, sounding irritated. “Seriously?” I asked. “Porridge. Really.” “You can’t have porridge for dinner,” he said, although I’ve told him I do sometimes. And so forth.) And then I’d been refusing starter suggestions of his because I didn’t like the spiciness/mayonnaise factor/ingredients (sorry, but I mostly try not to buy foods with ingredients I can’t pronounce).

I begged him to just buy whatever he’d buy if I weren’t there, partly because I’d had heavy influence on the main course, and partly because if I were eating dinner at home on my own I wouldn’t have a starter (unless it was eating various ingredients as or before I cooked them!) I apologized for being a pain, but reminded him that the last time we’d done this I’d asked if we could go to the grocery store with a list, because I don’t do well wandering up and down aisles looking at things – particularly not when I’m hungry, which I was.

We ended up with pate (something I’d never have bought on my own), some kind of chicken dish (which I also wouldn’t have bought on my own, but not as bad as some of his other suggestions), and Greek yogurt with berries for dessert. For the record, thanks partly to child and to difficult conversations (which were unrelated to child, but anyway) we never had the chicken dish. The berries and yogurt we had somewhere north of midnight, like war-weary generals shaking hands across the kitchen table.

* * *

I’d been meaning to post the following earlier, but I’ve been (pre)occupied with other things.

On Thursday, after at least four days of feeling like I constantly was fighting the urge to binge, I gave in.

I so almost didn’t. I’d drunk quite a lot of champagne and I sat there at this private members’ club in London thinking: Don’t do it. Don’t do it. You’ll feel awful if you do. I grabbed my handbag, stood up, then sat down again. Then I got increasingly bored and frustrated as BN2 was making polite conversation with someone we’d just met at a champagne tasting, and it seemed like we were never ever going to leave.

And so I picked up my bag, said I was going to the bathroom, and dashed upstairs and down the block to the Leon, where I bought a brownie and some other little cake-type thing. (Note to self: Don’t waste calories on Leon brownies. They’ve got some nasty orange flavor in them.) Then I bought some small Cadbury bar – I think it was Dairy Milk, but really, I’m not even sure. Whatever I could grab, since I didn’t have enough cash for the Ritter one I really wanted.

That was the whole binge – probably more of what my therapist would have called a subjective binge than anything else. (It helped that I had almost no cash on me, and was wearing ridiculously high heeled boots so the cash point was just too far.) The amount of food I consumed wasn’t appalling – it was just the idea that I had to sneak out to buy food and then cram it in my mouth. And of course, the desperation.

I’m not feeling as bad about it as I’d thought. In the days beforehand, I did my best to mitigate the urge to binge, eating a cheeseburger one day (careful to add the cheese, since just a burger on its own – when my friend was having a cheeseburger – felt like deprivation) and some good dark chocolate the next. I ate more than usual those days, although I wouldn’t say I overate.

In the past I’d have eaten dinner before going to an event like that and then not allowed myself any of the canapés. But the event started at 6:30 – a little too early for me to eat and arrive there in time – and I guess I got a little too complacent about my ability to block out canapés (particularly when it’s a huge platter of cheese sitting in front of me). Lesson learned.

* * *

Weight this morning: 11 stone 2 (156 lbs). No idea how that happened -- given the amount I ate and drank this week (not outrageous, but certainly more than usual), think it must be artifically low from something yesterday, although I'm not sure what.

4 comments:

  1. I actually don't think it's that abnormal to have to have these heavy conversations. I mean, certainly, it should feel more like EFFORT than WORK, but it does take a lot of effort, especially when you are used to being single. When Chris and I met, I'd basically been single my whole life, lived alone for years, etc... he was the same way. I can't tell you how tremendously difficult it was at times to learn how to be in a couple and figure out how to make it so we BOTH got to be happy. and then there was the moving-in-together, whihc was also a ton of work, and well, now we're broken up, haha, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

    But I will say -- no matter how much work / effort / whatever it was... I was (and mostly still am) always overjoyed to see him and spend time with him, and I love(d) him enough that it was all always worthwhile in the end.

    All of that said, there were times in the early days where I did consider ending it, because I just felt like.... ugh, so much work.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Beth,
    Thanks for forwarding me to your site. In regard to your comment about BN2, this sounds vaguely similar to a relationship I was in a few years ago. It started casual - the guy wanted to have it both ways - and I agreed because I still wanted to persue options myself. To quote you: "But if this is all meant to be sort of casual – as current arrangement implies -- then how did everything get so heavy?" In refernce to that statement, what happened in my scenario, even though it was a casual relationship from the get go, we started spending more time together, and quietly, but naturally the dynamics of the relationship changed with it over time without me/us realizing. The reason I say "me/us" is because unconciously it did for me - why wasn't I good enough for girlfriend material, yet okay for the casual? What was the difference when we were already spending so much time together and being almost exclusive? Why wouldn't he committ? etc. etc. It made me question my worth/value (which has always been tied to my weight and how I perceive myself). Needless to say, the relationship was very tumultous and not good for my self-esteem. Although we did eventually commit to an exclusive relationship (9 months later I might add) that lasted almost 4 years, there were times when I really seriously wondered what I was doing with the guy when he did little to make things work. Hindsight is indeed a kick in the pants because when I look back I don't necessarily see all the good times. Instead I think "that's 4 years of my life I'm not going to get back when I could've been with someone who really loved me".

    I can definitely empathize because you have a tough decision ahead. And kudos for you for not taking it out on food - you're way stronger than me!

    Stay strong! Big hugs from Canada!
    Michelle

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hello,

    I can't remember how I stumbled upon your blog, but I've been browsing it every now and then and taking comfort in knowing that other people have the same sorts of food issues that I do.

    I'm also really interested in what it's like to be an American living in the UK, as it's something I've always wanted to do. I'm sorry if it's something you've touched on before and I've missed it, but if you don't mind sharing, I would like to know a) how you ended up there b)if it was difficult to move outside the US for work (I've heard it's hard for Americans to get visas to work in other countries) c) if you regret moving to another country and d) if people give you grief about being American.

    I'm still in university, so I'm getting to the point where I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life, and I would love any advice you might have about making the jump.

    Best,
    Genevieve (CA)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Beth. I'm back computer-ed up again and I've caught up with all your news. What an exciting time you're having and how slim you are!! Well done on keeping the weight down and well done on the long spell without bingeing.

    Bali must have been wonderful. I'm very jealous and very pleased for you.

    No idea what to say about BN2 - good luck there though - I hope he gets healthy breakfasts sorted and decides what's what with the boyfriend/not boyfriend thing!

    Keep it up chuck.

    Lesley x

    ReplyDelete