Tuesday 8 April 2008

Mind Over Stomach

Halfway through lunch – perhaps the most uninspiring tuna nicoise salad ever – with BN2, I was looking at the Tesco Express across the street and thinking about a binge.

I’ve never seen BN2 order a pudding, his lunch was much more filling than mine (he was having the Sunday roast), and anyway, he was going to pick up his daughter and then come back and meet me. I’d be left on my own for about an hour, and I was already thinking about the binge.

What was it he was talking about? I only had half an ear, because it’s hard for me to concentrate when there’s people eating yummy winter puddings around me, and I’m thinking about all the things I want to eat and might soon be able to as soon as – hurry up and stop lingering, BN2, dammit, don’t you understand that I need to eat – I’m left on my own.

And then, like in yoga, where you’re supposed to bring your mind back to your breath, I brought my attention back to what he was saying. Mostly. I can’t remember who brought up the pudding, but we decided to split one. Luckily, it was a good one. (Am I the only one who’s more likely to binge after having had a bad/unsatisfying pudding than none at all?)

When BN2 got up to leave, I decided I’d write an email to a sympathetic friend who probably wouldn’t receive it for hours (she’s 10 hours ahead), trying to work out why I wanted to binge. As I pulled out my blackberry, a couple sat down on the sofa and pulled out from their Tesco carrier bag exactly the sort of thing I’d been thinking about bingeing on. I could practically taste it. Sigh. I wrote my email. Deep breath. I thought about how crummy I would feel for the rest of the evening – how irritated and agitated and cranky bingeing would make me. Deep breath. I bought a diet Coke and walked down the high street.

* * *

Scale this morning: 11 stone 4.5. I feel a bit like I did in school, when I was convinced I’d done poorly on a test but somehow squeaked out an A.

Among other things, there was the risotto Saturday night (where I finished my entire dish, while BN2 ate half of his, saying how filling it was), the Sunday lunch plus pudding, the Sunday dinner where I went back for seconds, what feels like a trough of nuts I’ve consumed this week for snacks, and the lychee martinis Thursday and the wine on Saturday. But then, I thought, there has been yoga and Pilates and running and boxing and lots of walking. So is this what’s called maintenance? This I feel like I can handle.

3 comments:

  1. Ahhhh... you had a lightbulb moment. I am so proud of you. It's that amazing moment where the rational brain takes over the impulsive brain, and makes you realize exactly what trade-off you're about to make. It's a magical thing, really.

    Well done.

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  2. You said:
    "it’s hard for me to concentrate when there’s people eating yummy winter puddings around me, and I’m thinking about all the things I want to eat and might soon be able to as soon as – hurry up and stop lingering, BN2, dammit, don’t you understand that I need to eat – I’m left on my own."

    Everybody's different, and sometimes I'm even different from myself at other times. In any case, I'm trying to work out a diet that I don't have to struggle with. I'm trying to avoid the attitude that I'm going to eat differently later. I don't have any willpower at all, so I'm trying to find delicious foods that I can enjoy right now (and later) and still lose weight ... foods like really delicious low-calorie salads, and yes, there really are such things, I find that a large veggie salad with chicken and a low-calorie vinaigrette dressing, and no croutons or bread, does wonders. It fills me up on few calories, and it can be really delicious! Thanks for sharing!

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