I’m not calling it a binge, because it wasn’t.
If I were being positive (me? positive?!), I could say that what happened last night was a reminder that although I've had some success lately on the binge-prevention front, I need constantly to be vigilant.
In the interest of honesty – and maybe so I finally can stop beating myself up about it – I ate twice after dinner last night.
The first time was the more worrying: I was in a nightclub at nearly midnight, quite tipsy (maybe even drunk), feeling pretty good about how I looked (body conscious black dress and vintage belt – an outfit I’d gotten a lot of compliments on) and yet couldn’t stop thinking about food. (Usually it’s when I feel icky that I eat in an, um, icky manner.) So I sneaked out, ran down the block, and had a toffee-covered flapjack and a double chocolate muffin. It was most definitely not normal -- running around hunting for an open newsagent in the first properly chilly night of almost-autumn – but it could have been a lot worse. (For starters, I could actually have gotten lost, which I nearly did. And I could have eaten a whole lot more.)
The second time was at four in the morning. As we were leaving I was almost hoping we’d do the post-clubbing snack run that was such a part of my life years ago. (I could almost taste the hot, gooey pizza from this ultra-cheap place in Adams Morgan.) But the group broke up without a mention of food, and I went back to a friend’s, which will explain all the foods I’d never keep around my own place: leftover curry, rice, and chocolates. Which I ate. Not in huge amounts – not enough, for example, to still feel full when I woke up this morning, usually the hallmark of an evening binge for me.
I don’t expect to be out clubbing frequently, but I think if I did again I might carry a small snack for emergencies. What made me feel particularly desperate at the club, I’ve realized, was that there weren’t even any nuts or crisps for sale. Honestly, I think if there’d been a free buffet or something I would happily have ignored it, safe in the knowledge that food was available if I needed something.
Or, of course, I could just drink a little less.
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hmmm "safe in the knowledge that food was available if I needed something" I often have these types of thoughts and get panicky if there is no food around.. even if I am not hungry, sigh.
ReplyDeleteBeth, I feel like I'm in almost exactly the same headspace that you are. I'm 'almost there' with food, but if something comes along to mess with my routine or I find myself with a few wines inside me, I overeat. It's not the mad bingeing of the past, just annoying little steps backward. I think it's all part of the process and I enjoy reading about your progress.
ReplyDeleteI really admire how aware you are of yourself and your relationship with food now. If only I could be half as in tune as you are now! The way you have addressed your binge eating and food issues are a huge inspiration to me. And your writing is beautiful - I love reading your blog.
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