Wednesday 11 May 2011

Assignment: Eat the Cupcake

(No) thanks to the job plus the endless winter, it’s been a bloody miserable six months. And when I finally picked up my head and looked over the next cubicle at 2 in the morning, I realized my world had gotten very, very small.

I was working, and I was worrying about my diet: what I would eat, and when I’d exercise. And that was literally the extent of it. If you think I’m exaggerating, let me admit that I picked my way through weeks like a superstitious child avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, literally planning what I would and wouldn’t do based on eating exactly what I wanted (=eating exactly what was “safe”). I got up at the crack of dawn for workouts, often grueling ones. I rarely had the time to go out for dinner, but if I did I’d only go for sushi, and occasionally I schemed to make it so.

New York is a foodie paradise, and here I was eating the same 12 things while reading about restaurants I was so curious about yet, frankly (and I say this without hyperbole), was scared of. I’d pass places in my neighborhood and figuratively press my face to the glass, envying the apparent ease with which patrons ordered food and lingered over it, laughing and chatting.

There were occasional breaks in the my routine (a brunch here and there, non-sushi, obviously), and – in the last month – weekly (if not more) binges; binges that were so spectacular that they undid pretty much all the weight loss I’d achieved in the previous few months of closing myself off from the world.

This, I’ve been realizing over the past month, is not a life I want. At my sister’s in April I was utterly disgusted with myself and the complete indulgence, luxury, and frankly, dullardness (OK, not a word) it is to be so utterly obsessed. (With triplets, one obviously cannot live the life I do.) Plus, being thinner does not make one happier. Proof positive: I was my thinnest ever when I was dating BN2 and that’s because food was almost the only thing I had control over (for the record, I suspect the control issue was why I was so diet-obsessed these past couple of months).

After the last binge — 10 days ago — I started to think that perhaps I needed to start eating regularly the things I’ve been bingeing on with wildest abandon: muffins, and cake with frosting. I thought about setting myself the task of eating a Magnolia cupcake a week until it becomes just another food. (In the interest of full disclosure, when I’m bingeing I get their gigantic slice of cake; no almost-reasonably-sized cupcake.) Then I started worrying about what would happen if I didn’t really want that; if really I’d rather have a muffin of some sort. And on from there in utter boring-ness I won’t replicate.

Whenever bad things happen to me, I wonder why. Not “why me” in the tragic, hand-wringing way, but why – what is the lesson I will extract from this? In several years, what will I look back and think: Well, but I did X or learned Y from this experience? For a while, it seemed that maybe New York was going to be where I finally got a handle on the bingeing — remember those 100 binge-free days? I don’t know that it won’t be the place, but I’m hoping instead it may be the place that food and I shake hands and make peace, a rather different idea than just being binge-free.

I’m exhausted and shell-shocked at the moment, so there isn’t any plan for this just yet. But slowly, slowly, I’m – if not climbing out of the box – at least seeing a few cracks of light. In the past 10 days, I’ve only eaten my “safe” dinner once. I ate extra food this weekend. I let myself off the workout hook. I went for drinks not once, not twice, but three times (once at a bar with John Mayer, believe it or not – he’s much skankier in person, and heavier, than I imagined). That’s about three times more than in the previous four months.

On Saturday, I went to a spin class at a new studio and the instructor said: “It’s Saturday. Time to leave the week behind and reach for something new.” And that day I read something I’ve been thinking about since: Eat for how you want to feel right now.

On Sunday night, I realized I hadn’t been counting binge-free days. Somehow, that seems like progress.

5 comments:

  1. I know what you mean, I dreamt last night that I had SIX helpings of cake (a mixture of muffins and slices if you're interested!) and awoke in terror and guilt! Bizarre.

    Glad you're emerging from the good nightmare yourself.

    Px

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  2. Hmmm...I'm trying to imagine a skankier John Mayer...

    Yes, it sounds like progress to me.

    Have you heard of Karen Koenig? She's an eating disorder therapist who's written a couple of books (eg "The Rules of Normal Eating" and "Nice Girls Finish Fat"). She also has a blog where she addresses ongoing topics in the realm of eating disorders. The reason I mention her is that she sometimes talks about how to discern if you're making progress in dealing with eating issues.

    As for the Magnolia cupcakes/cake, I wonder if your desensitization strategy would work. For me, I tried to make myself sick and tired of donuts and ice cream a couple of years ago. I ate them with abandon, as much as I wanted, in the hopes I'd tire of them...not a chance.

    I gained an additional 30 pounds on an already overweight body. Turned out, in my body, the sugar and fat in the donuts and ice cream just set up wild cravings and an endless need for more and more.

    But that's me. I'm telling you this story as a cautionary tale - that's all. If you've ever read any of Geneen Roth's books, she WAS able to eventually get tired of eating cookie dough. Perhaps the missing link was that she ate her cookie dough mindfully...and I ate my sugar-laden crack mindlessly (and the more mindlessly, the better).

    I am so glad you are seeing the cracks of light. You gave it your best shot - hold your head high and be proud!

    *Sorry this was so long*

    Debbie xo

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  3. I found that by adding a little bit of 'indulgence' back into my days, I was actually able to cut back the crap consumption through avoiding the bingeing. It's a 'going backward to move forward' sort of thing.
    Now I have a few little rituals - Friday chocolate, Saturday vino night (yeah.. not a whole bottle though..), Monday croissant breakfast, and I have a 'count calories' rule for if I'm caught out and have to make a meal work - say, at the airport and the plane is late. I hated the idea of doing that, but it works. I preferred the idea of never eating anything unwholesome, but it always backfired on me.

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  4. Beth, my lovey, are you okay? I would imagine things are topsy-turvy for you. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you!

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  5. Thinking of you too! I hope things are okay... cupcakes and otherwise xx

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