Forty days without a binge and today the food – cheap pastry, candy pumpkins, pizza, muffins, anything – didn't just call to me. It was screaming and whistling and demanding I pay attention.
Maybe it was because it was a Sunday where I hadn't made many plans. Maybe it was because the unseasonably warm day made me feel like I should be out taking advantage of the weather, but I wasn't. Maybe it was because I feel like I can't catch my breath; that I have way too much to do and never enough time to do it.
Maybe it was because Neptune was rising. Or something. The truth is that I may never know why, and I hate that.
This morning I realized that honestly, it doesn't matter if I know why, because knowing why will not stop the urge to eat candy pumpkins in huge handfuls until the sweetness makes my throat hurt. And I don't even particularly like candy pumpkins and am not even sure I've ever bought a bag of them.
It is both humbling and terrifying to realize that the urge to stuff myself can rip through me like a tornado, and without warning. The other day it happened to me when I was feeling jaunty and happy and that life was shimmering with possibility.
I feel like bingeing and I may be two people who cannot even agree on the same set of facts – and so we can't have an argument. Perhaps it's time for me to stop trying.
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I hope you don't as 40 days is such a good start. I hope that your instinct to get on the blog and talk about the urge means that you have avoided giving in to it.
ReplyDeleteBut, if you didn't, chin up chuck and get right back on that wagon. remember how much more positive you have been recently and how bad you feel when you binge, both physically and mentally.
Lesley xx