Saturday 1 October 2011

Set Fire to the Rain

So I moved to New York and my life got so tiny and narrow and suffocating I could barely breathe.

And I broke the glass and air rushed in. But still I stood in the same place, not moving. Not doing much of anything except being unhappy but not being sure how to fix it.

It wasn't depression so much as the internal rot of deep dissatisfaction. I wished I could cut it out of myself, like the bruised part of a peach.

Since I landed back in New York in August, I've spent part of every day thinking and ruing and daydreaming and comparing. But in the process, I have learned what I guess everybody else already knows: The only way to have the life you want is to live it.

And so slowly, slowly I am fixing the ratio of things – minutes, hours – I like, and ones I don't. More New Yorkers, more New York things, more novels. A French class. (Je m'appelle Beth. Je suis americaine. It's ridiculous how happy this makes me.) Less time surfing the Internet, and getting annoyed at Facebook and Twitter for making me feel pathetic for all the things I am not doing. Less time daydreaming; more time dream-catching, or at least, building the net.

I eat more, I exercise less. And as of yesterday, I haven't binged in 30 days.

And it's an upward spiral. I feel better and so I behave better – to other people, but mostly, to myself.

I am still overwhelmed and overworked (my own fault) and dealing with messes I let fester (taxes, my apartment). I still wish I knew more people, but I'm working on it. These days I feel like I'm home and there's a light on and it makes me smile. I'm not always in such a rush, so I have time for pleasantries and random chats with strangers. And sometimes it's strange and sometimes it's nothing and sometimes it's someone to meet for coffee in the neighborhood. But it's me me me me. I'm starting to feel like myself again.

I'm back.

5 comments:

  1. Brilliant news!! I knew you'd be back soon.

    Hope it all goes well.

    Lesley x

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  2. Excellent....great to have you back. Onwards and upwards, as they say xx

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  3. Ah Beth, I knew you'd find your way back to yourself again - I'm happy for you. If you're anything like me, sometimes you have to explore new things to figure out what you don't like or don't want...then the path you want to follow lights up.

    I love how you reclaimed yourself while still in New York - it may give you some reassurance that you didn't have to go back to England to find the "old you"?

    xo Debbie

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