Tuesday 31 January 2012

Tested

I woke up Sunday at 6 am with thoughts of cinnamon buns dancing in my head. I was half awake, and full-on plotting a binge.

I tried to just carry on with my day. I got up, I ate breakfast, I went to see friends. One foot in front of the other. It doesn't matter why you want to binge, I told myself. It will go away. You mustn't think, you must accept. A thought is not an action.

By late afternoon, as I was leaving a friend's apartment, I realized the desire to binge had evaporated. I felt smug.

I went for a crazy two-hour spin session – two hour-long spin classes (spin classes are usually 45 minutes, so an hour already is a long one) back to back, something a friend had been encouraging me to try. I killed it, as they seem to say in NYC -- I finished in the top 3 for both classes.

I came home, ate my dinner, and wrote a story due that night. I was exhausted, and starting to think about food again.

Someone had once told me that if the goal is to get to bed without having binged, sometimes it's best just to get to bed. It was just before 11 pm. I climbed into bed and fell asleep with a smile on face.

It was not to be.

About 2.30 am I woke up and could not go back to sleep.

Maybe my body needs more food? I thought. I had a half an apple. Then I had another whole apple. Then I had a banana.

I have never in my life started a binge based on fruit, but Reader, that is exactly what happened.

Granola. Leftover artisanal peanut butter. Kind bars. Mini Larabars. Regular-sized Larabars. A package of "breakfast on the run" granola I'd been give at a New York Road Runners race. An Evol wrap I'd had sitting in my freezer for months. A dark chocolate spread I've had a jar of sitting around since we featured it in the magazine I haven't worked for since June. Yes, it may all have been "healthy" food, but still it was thousands of calories.

I have always known I could binge on anything, but now I guess I know for sure.

I threw out all the (rest of) the Larabars – there's no reason to eat them when there's real food to be enjoyed. I threw out the rest of the chocolate spread, because honestly, I'd never choose to eat it – it's really something I'd only reach for in a binge. And I vowed not to keep free food in my house – every single thing I binged on was something I'd been given to try or picked up for free (Kind bars were from the gym; I binged on them in Belize, actually), but never appealed enough actually to do so. (Of course, now that I'm no longer on staff anywhere, my opportunities for edible swag are fairly rare.)

I tried to carry on with my day as usual, meeting a friend of a friend from London for lunch at one of my favorite brunch spots. She commented on how good the cakes looked as we left; I thought about binging on the way home.

I didn't, partly because I was scheduled to attend a preview of a workout and I'd already cancelled the last time because I was sick (post-binge sick, not actual sick). I went to the workout, plotting what I wanted to eat when I was finished. I hoped maybe the desire to do so would evaporate with the workout, which occasionally happens.

It didn't.

I thought I had stopped just before the point where I feel like I want to throw up or die or both, but apparently not. At about 10.30 pm – a good three hours or so after the binge – I spoke to my sister and after about a half hour, I had to get off the phone. I felt so ill I couldn't concentrate, which made me feel worse, since my sister, aka the mother of three 19-month-olds, very rarely has time to speak on the phone.

So on to today. One foot in front of the other. I realized this morning that although I genuinely believe my life would not be better if I were thinner, nor do I want suddenly to be much fatter.

But as the song goes, you can't always get what you want – but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

I'm afraid to find out what that's going to be.

1 comment:

  1. I'm pretty sure that a two hour spin class would have had me waking up hungry too...
    Have you done CBT? I think I remember you mentioning it at some stage. Maybe pull out your CBT worksheets and give it another go? You can do it, BB. Just one day at a time and before you know it, it's been two months and you are feeling strong and sleek.

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