Hello, it’s me.
(No points for filling in Adele lyrics here.)
I’m thinking about doing something drastic. Except when I’m
traveling (which has been quite a bit) I tend to stick to paleo during the week
and then binge on the weekends. Add to that the fact that I haven’t been able
to exercise at my usual levels – a persistent problem with my tendon, an exodus
of instructors from my favorite spin studio, blah blah blah – and I just feel…
terrible. I’m heavier than I’ve been in years, and don’t want to get on the
scale to check if I’m heavier than I’ve ever been. (I don’t think so, given the
size I’m wearing, but there is the vanity sizing.)
In some ways I’m better than I have been in years, in that I
can eat at odd times and go to restaurants and generally seem, well, normal-ish
(except when my mind disappears down the rabbit hole of plotting out a binge).
In other ways I am so much worse, bingeing on things I never cared a fig about
years ago, not exercising much (see above), and watching hours of television,
something I’ve never done. (The weekend after Christmas I watched so much TV
that when someone spoke to me on Monday morning, I practically forgot I was
supposed to reply – like I was expecting the action to keep unfolding in front
of me without my participating.)
I don’t think you’d know it to look at me – I turn in my
work on time, go out, and all that – but this thing with food is getting in the
way of the quality of my life. I’m not happy this way.
Anyway, the drastic: A 14-week outpatient program in London
that treats binge eating like an addiction. It would be terrifyingly expensive,
but I’m (almost) at the point where I think it’s a small price to pay for not
repeating this cycle of behavior for the rest of my life. (Terrifyingly
expensive and made only more so by the fact that given how demanding the
program is, I’ll be unlikely to be able to work at my current level of output…)
Why not just do this in the US? So far I haven’t found
anything similar. Plus in some ways I think the English approach to eating
disorders – less bullsh*t – suits me better.
I was at my sister’s this week – work took me down south –
and told her I was thinking of doing it. She was surprisingly supportive, which
made me wonder just how bad for me things must look to her. I was too afraid to
ask.
It's so lovely to read a post from you. I hope you're doing well this Easter and finding some moments of peace - I forget that I'm not the only one who might not look forward to food based festivals. Good luck if you do the program you're considering and I hope you might write a little about it if you do x
ReplyDeleteGood to see a new post as always but I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I too felt that "desperate times require desperate measures" a few months ago and embarked on a second go at a VCLD. I appreciate that this is not an option for your particular issues but understand the impulse behind your (possible) decision. Whatever you do, try to take some positive action as any step in the right direction is never wasted.
ReplyDeleteGood luck hon! Lxxx
I've been checking back wondering how you were doing. I'm glad that work and your ability to function on a day to day basis is going well. I can imagine the distraught feeling of losing control on the weekends that you describe. I hope that you are able to embark on the treatment program. It sounds like your mental well-being makes it worth the expense.
ReplyDeleteI can identify with the weird attraction to foods that you previously didn't care about. I've been doing a sort of paleo - definitely no wheat for over a year and mostly I do well. But, I do get cravings for stuff like potato chips that I never really felt that interested in! Good luck to you.
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ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're struggling. You can't put a price on your health, and it seems that both your physical and psychological health are suffering. Though the cost of the program is "terrifying," I would imagine it would be offset by the money saved by not bingeing, as well as increased productivity in your work. Best of luck whatever you decide.
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