A friend suggested the other day that I need to change the Fig’s nickname, since it was never meant as a term of endearment. For the moment, it shouldn’t be.
I’m still at the point of wondering if I’m ever going to hear from him again after each date, and it is not a nice feeling. He does my head in, one minute saying I look good enough to kiss sober while in public (not done by the posh and English) and doing so, and the next saying we are not meeting up this weekend, aka the first weekend I’ve been in town since this all started, despite the fact that he’d said otherwise the day before. It shouldn’t be this complicated so early on.
This morning, after an upsetting conversation with him, came anger and insecurity and rationalization and fear. I considered them all, like subtle notes in a fine wine. Then I went to my last body pump class – we’re moving offices next week, making the gym too far to go at lunchtime any more – and came back and packed and stewed. And then came another feeling: The one that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. And maybe, just maybe, that I deserve that.
How is all of this related to food and weight? Sigh. I love reading – and very much admire – all the weight-loss bloggers who never loathed themselves for being overweight, but much as I wish otherwise, I’m afraid I’m not one of them. It’s painful to write about how little I felt I deserved 40-plus pounds ago – and equally painful to remember that I often still feel that way. I’ve been relatively thin (well, average) before, so I know firsthand that losing weight isn’t the fix-all solution it’s so easy to think it is when you’re very overweight. I still have a good 25 pounds to go, but it seems the real work is just beginning.
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Eh, it's somewhat overrated, actually. I am one of thoes "no self-loathing overweight bloggers" who sort of didn't care about my weight when I was 250... but I realize now that it kept me from doing things I wanted to do, and it DID keep me back in many areas even though I didn't realize it at the time... and even though I might not have self-loathed at the time, I loath the memory of waht I was like at that weight....
ReplyDeleteI dated lots of men like the Fig... one guy, in particular, told me "if you weighed, like, 160, we'd probably be engaged by now." NICE. I can't believe I actually allowed men like that to be around me. NO self respect... now THAT is sad.
I too, have dated Figs. You're right - you need to know that you absolutely deserve to be with someone who sees that you're a witty, successful, worldly, sophisticated woman. He should be getting excited about plans with you rather than pretending like he never made them. Easier said than done, I do realize....
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