In the Interest of Honesty

So I binged again Friday night. I'd like to blame it on the appearance of BN2's best friend at the birthday drinks, perhaps, but honestly, I could feel the binge coming earlier in the day. It wasn't that I was so hungry – I wasn't. I wish I could put my finger on exactly what it was – I think a combination of loneliness and trying to pack too much in, the latter of which is a trigger for me. (I headed from the birthday party to another party in Mayfair, this one populated entirely by hedge fund managers and the models and hookers who hang around them. The male owner of the flat walked around in silk pajamas. I think the last time I saw a party like that I was in Moscow.)

I seem to be bingeing about every two weeks, which I'm not at all happy about. Frankly, it makes me panic if I think about it too much, considering how much travel and how many triggers I've got over the next couple of months. My goal is to get to 30 days binge-free again. I've also decided that if the next binge involves alcohol at all, I'll give up drinking until I get to 30 days.

Predictably, I woke up Saturday feeling exhausted and bloated. I stayed in bed, alternately reading and sleeping, until 3 pm, something I haven't done in years. (I can't remember the last time I wasn't up early on a Saturday morning to head to Pilates or go running.) I skipped the gym and finally managed to get myself dressed and walk an hour to Shoreditch to meet the NJB. I'd decided I couldn't stomach Shutter Island -- the original film choice – so we agreed to meet at a Shoreditch bar I've been dying to try. It's a tiny, hidden Czech drinking den – all '50s and '60s mod, with tasting flights and crazy infusions, some of which are served in test tubes. It's the sort of place you have to book – we watched them turn away people all night – with a proper hostess and the most fantastic list of cocktails I've ever seen. I adored it instantly and could go back there every night for a month and try everything on the list. You'd think the joy of discovery would have lifted my spirits, but it was tempered a bit by the fact that I was with the NJB. Sigh.

This morning I went to Pilates and then dragged myself to the gym. It took me an age to get myself there, but once I finished I felt about a billion times better. As I sometimes used to tell BN2, exercise is like a reset button for me. I need to remember that.