"Someone's got a sweet tooth tonight," said the guy behind me at the corner store.
Rage and shame bubbled up inside of me. After a good 10 minutes of reading nutrition labels, I was buying two diet cream sodas and two snacks I want to try sometime in the next couple of days: a fat-free pumpkin spice cookies (which probably will be disgusting), and a cranberry flax oatmeal square. Probably he was just being friendly, but I don't take kindly to casual judgmental comments about what I'm eating. It reminds me of the woman at United Airlines who, in December 2003, refused to serve me until I smiled. The only reason I was taking that particular trip was because my mother was dying.
I gritted my teeth and smiled at the airline agent, because I just wanted to end my interaction with her as quickly as possible – or at least, end it before I burst into tears, which surely would have prolonged it. Tonight I didn't know what to say, except: "Mind your own business, asshole." Probably I should have said nothing. Instead I sputtered something about how it wasn’t all for this evening (in fact, only the cream sodas were. And btw, if you think, as I do, that a glass bottle is going to mean a good soda, it doesn't in the case of Stewart's. I'll be sticking to Dr. Brown's diet cream, thankyouverymuch.)
What a freak show I can be about food is uppermost in my mind after a weekend at my sister's. I had given her a heads up that I was struggling and might be a little crazy about food, to which her response was a not-very-kind: "You're always crazy about food." True, but not very nice. At another point she commented that what I'd eaten so far during the weekend wasn't very balanced. (Um, WTF?!) And then, when we were discussing why she's struggling with the baby weight, we talked a bit about how much thought and effort losing weight and keeping it off requires. "I wouldn't want to live in your head either," she said. There's a gentle way to have said that sentence, but that's not how she said it.
My name is Beth and I am a pain in the a—about food; I guess I should just embrace it. Except – same as I don't want to be the fat girl – I don't want to be the crazy girl either. I don't want to spend my life running from calories, happiest when I can control exactly what I eat. What is it going to take for me to find some peace about this?
***
It was a strange evening. I went to try a Pilates class and the instructor – a plastic-looking redhead wearing a Swarovski-crystal encrusted t-shirt and socks with little bows – kept referring to everything as "little."
"Now take your little feet out of the straps," she'd say. Or: "Move your little hips to the left." Truly bizarre.
At one point she watched me put my feet in something approximating ballet first position and asked me – seriously – if I'd ever been a dancer. I nearly snorted, but didn't explain.
She'd complimented me a couple of times on my core strength, and at one point she put her hand on my stomach to check my form. "You have very flat abs," she announced.
Reader, I'm afraid I spluttered audibly.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I'm sorry about the insensitivity you've encountered from people, especially your sister. I've had to deal with a bit of that from my own family. I finally had to tell my mom that any discussion of my weight is off limits because her comments only make me want to eat more.
ReplyDeleteHave you read "Women, Food & God," by Geneen Roth? Excellent read, and is helping me get to the bottom of my emotional eating. She also wrote, "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating," and When Food is Love." She seems to really have her finger on the reasons we have for abusing ourselves with overeating. I bring this up because I recognize in you the same kind of desperate talk I hear in my own head. Food isn't supposed to be a stumbling block, but it is for us.
As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Also, I'm hoping you don't get really bad weather this week. :)
My sister has often said to me 'you're not 'people', you're like .. furniture'. She means it as a compliment - as in, when she doesn't want to see any people she doesn't mind seeing me because I'm not 'people'. However, I think this is why she often doesn't give me the usual respect that you would offer when speaking to someone and sometimes says things that make me want to scream. She just doesn't see me as a person, she sees me as that thing that puts up with any old shit, can handle any insult, any situation, any throwaway hurtful remark. I've tried to make her see it, but I don't think she ever will.
ReplyDeleteI am a trainee Psych. and there have been numerous times she has said things like 'I'd never let a psychologist mess with my head' or 'there's no way I'm sending (my niece) to an educational psychologist'. She doesn't think her comments affect me because I'm just supposed to realise that I'm not 'people' and therefore any comment like that does not apply to me.
Family can be a real challenge.