Wednesday 16 February 2011

Stranger By the Day

What initially made me pause about agreeing to test this diet my magazine has concocted is the calorie count. (On the blog—which goes live on Thursday, I believe—I'm not allowed to write about all the specifics of the diet yet. I can only whet people's appetite to buy the magazine and read about it for themselves. But obviously here I have no such restrictions!)

The magazine I work for is anti-crash diets and anti-starvation. But the diet—though reasonably generous and permissive by diet standards—is still a lot lower in calories than what I've been eating for the past couple of years. I know from past experience that even the smallest cuts make me absurdly hungry, and this one is a good 500 calories less per day. That's two small Green and Black's chocolate bars. Or almost a whole extra meal (I tried to keep lunches and dinners between 550 and 600). Snacks are 150 calories, whereas mine were 250.

The thought of being constantly hungry for five weeks—the length of this diet—made me want to cry. Much worse, I feared the constant hunger would be a one way ticket back to dangerous bingeing.

Why, exactly, I agreed to do it, I'm not sure. In retrospect, it was a reckless gamble that I guess still could explode in my face.

But so far, I've been pleasantly surprised by how not-hungry I am. (I'm almost afraid to write this, frankly, lest I jinx that.) Really. I'm less hungry now than I was when I was eating at least 500 calories more. And I haven't gotten panicky, freak-out hungry the way I sometimes do. The other night with friends we didn't end up eating dinner until after 9 – something that previously might have driven me nearly round the bend – and I was totally fine.

I wish I could isolate what it is, but I have no idea. I don't think there's fairy dust in this diet, and even if there is, I wouldn't be sprinkled by it, because I'm only following the roughest approximation of it. I don't like at least half the menus they've designed, and at least a quarter more are much fiddlier than I really want to make. So I'm following their principles: 350 calorie breakfast, 450 calorie lunch, 400 calorie dinner. There's a 150-calorie snack, plus 250 floating calories you can use anywhere (I use mine for an extra snack, so I can have one in the morning and one in the afternoon).

I guess I eat a better ratio of protein and fat and carbs than I used to in London. (I could bore you with exactly what I eat, but, um, I won't.) It probably helps that I've discovered a snack I am absolutely and completely obsessed with. (How obsessed am I with it? After eating it every day for three weeks, I rang the founder—God, do I miss being a proper reporter--and interviewed him for an entrepreneurial magazine I used to write for, and sometimes still do.) If you're in the U.S., get thee to the grocery store and buy some Siggi's yogurt pronto. I sound like a walking ad for the stuff, but seriously, it's yummy: super-thick, rich, naturally fat free, and not too sweet. For my money, it kicks the ass of Chobani, Fage, and all the Greek yogurts—and it's the lowest calorie, coming in at about 100-120, depending on the flavor you choose. I have mine with one square of dark chocolate** every day. Holy yum.

OK, infomercial over.

Thirty-seven days clean.

**If you think I have some sort of superhuman will power to have exactly one square of dark chocolate, well... I don't. At least a year ago, on one of my trips to the US, I discovered individually wrapped dark chocolate squares (50 calories a pop). I'd have bought them even if they didn't also benefit endangered species.

***

The trouble with death is how permanent it is.

I can't talk or work or think or plot my way around it. I'm never going to speak to my grandmother again, and I don't know why I'm having so much trouble accepting it.

This morning I realized she hasn't been gone quite three months. I thought it was longer.

This afternoon, I spied a bright red dress on a rail of clothes in the fashion closet. One of these days I've got to face finding a dress to wear to a wedding next month. It can't be black, and so I imagined how this one (way too small for me, I'm sure) would look with a black jacket my grandmother bought me over it. I imagined telling her about all of it—she'd have loved to hear about the fashion closet ("really? There are girls that do nothing all day but sort clothes on those racks?" I can practically hear her saying), loved to plot with me about what I'd wear to any social occasion, loved to hear that things she bought me or gave me figured heavily in my decisions.

Suddenly I was watery-eyed in the kitchen (you pass the clothing rails en route to the soda machine in the kitchen).

I remember speaking to the rabbi the day before my grandmother's funeral, explaining how she'd buried her husband, her son, and her daughter, my mother.

"You've suffered a lot of loss, too," he said.

It doesn't get easier with practice, does it?

4 comments:

  1. I still get upset and teary about my grandmother's death and it was 5 years ago. It never goes away, grief, it just catches you by surprise a bit less frequently. Of course, it just means the surprise bit is a bit more surprising.

    DO please bore with what you eat - I'm always fascinated by this, even if it's likely to be American comestibles I've never heard of.

    Px

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  2. I agree with Peridot on both her points. Sometimes thoughts of my dad or grandfather just come from no where and completely stun me with sadness. And, I would like to know what you're eating as well, but the calorie counts help.

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  3. Oh Beth, I'm so sorry. The sadness just blindsides you sometimes doesn't it. It's my grandfather's birthday today and I've been teary all day even though he died 8 years ago. There's always that grandfather-shaped hole in your heart.

    Loved your interview with Mr Siggi. How gorgeous is he!? I tried the blueberry yogurt and didn't like it but will give it another chance next time I'm over just coz he seems like such a great bloke :)

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  4. Hang in there with the diet - it sounds pretty good. But if you're in danger on the binge front, remember you're more important than a diet and do what you need to do to avoid a binge - ok!!

    37 days...fantastic - keep it up!

    So sorry about your grief but it is a sign of how much love you had for her which is the main thing.

    Keep it up sweets.

    Lesley xx

    Lesley xx

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