Tuesday 19 February 2008

Several Steps Back

It started out as just a jam doughnut and a cream finger. Then it was another jam doughnut. And then another four jam doughnuts. Then an apple cinnamon muffin and a piece of Victoria sponge. (I threw away most of the Victoria sponge, somehow – it didn’t taste very good, not that taste is ever really the point of this sort of thing.) Then a brownie (which tasted – ick – like it had orange in it. But I ate it anyway.) Then Chicken McNuggets and a vanilla caramel sundae. (Never mind that I don’t even like McDonalds.)

That was yesterday’s binge, the worst binge I’ve had in years, I think. Well, except for the binge I had on Sunday, which also fits into that category.

I didn’t even think I physically was capable of eating that much any more. Apparently I was wrong.

I can’t begin to describe how awful it feels, both physically and mentally. There is the feeling of my jeans being too tight – and the fear that any day now I’ll be too fat to wear them ever again. There is that too-full, too-hot, too-sick, too-tired feeling that’s accompanied by the fervent wish that I could throw up. (I’ve never been able to force myself, and long ago stopped trying.) There is the disgust, and the anger, and the sadness. And again, there is the fear. Where did this come from? Neither of these two binges were preceded by triggers I recognize. There was no despair and no loneliness – and no alcohol, usually the lit match to the oil.

On Sunday I’d finished a very late lunch with Bachelor No. 2. I’d been nearly frantic by the time we sat down – it was after 3 p.m., and I hadn’t eaten since 9 a.m. (and had had only a very small breakfast). I was so hungry I could hardly decide what to eat; so hungry I was cross about even trying to make good decisions. Why couldn’t I just have the fried Brie with the raspberry sauce as a starter? I asked the waitress about the Waldorf salad (mayonnaise dressing – nope) and the prawn cocktail (not available without the sauce – which I loathe – already mixed in). I had a small green salad. I was still seriously hungry when the main courses arrived.

I had a six-ounce fillet steak without any of the sauces. I had a bit of the mashed potato and some of the sautéed mushrooms. When I’d finished – and BN2 still had about half of his left -- I felt like I could have eaten more. Very embarrassing. He didn’t want pudding; I did, but didn’t feel like I could have it if he didn’t. I’m not sure I’m at that point with anyone, let alone him. (A few weeks ago I avoided a binge by asking a friend to accompany me to have a piece of chocolate cake “like a normal person.” I avoided a binge, but it was a very close friend who knows all about this particular struggle. Anyway, I didn’t eat the cake like anything approaching a normal person – I think I inhaled it.)

I should have gone through the Tube ticket barriers with him at Green Park (he was getting on one line; I was getting on another), but I’d been plotting since we left the restaurant. I said I was going to buy a bottle of water, and watched him disappear down the escalator. Then I bought a raspberry flapjack and ate it on the way back out of the Tube en route to the Starbucks to get some chocolate cake. I’m already ashamed enough of the binge detailed above so I’ll skip the gory details on this one. Suffice it to say it was huge.

I’m working out what happened here – or what may have happened here – as I write about it. So all I can conclude is that I let myself get too hungry – something I usually try to avoid – and then I felt like I was being denied something. (I remember this acute feeling of disappointment when he said he didn’t want pudding, and was so powerfully pulled back to being a child, being promised dessert for one reason or another, and then it not materializing.) There is also the question of whether I’ve been denying myself too much in general. I have been pretty good about incorporating chocolate lately, but apparently there’s an ocean of things I really want to eat (ugh, though – can I please have better taste than McDonalds?) that I’d better start letting myself eat in moderation.

I can’t explain why I binged on Monday, the second day. My best guess is that it’s what a nutritionist I consulted years ago called “last chance eating” – I hadn’t finished consuming the list of mostly forbidden foods on Sunday, so I went back for more. (I actually remember – on top of my disgust and annoyance with myself for bingeing – a feeling of frustration and annoyance that I was bingeing on a Sunday night, when an awful lot of things in this country are closed.)

So where am I now? Still angry and disgusted and frustrated with myself. Annoyed and upset and frustrated that in two days I’ve negated all the losses since Christmas and may in fact be up at my post-Christmas weight, if not higher. (I don’t want to get on the scale.) I’m also anxious – I’ve got a busy couple of weeks (including another champagne-soaked very long night tomorrow at the Brit Awards plus a bunch of leaving drinks parties), and then a vacation. (I don’t always do well with being out of routine, especially an exercise routine.)

But… even with my hugely distended stomach I went to Powerplate this morning, although I didn’t do my usual run there. I went to yoga at lunchtime. And I ate appropriately. Tomorrow I will do my best to stack the odds in my favor, including hitting Pilates in the morning, bringing dinner with me, and – most likely – not drinking at all during the awards. Fingers crossed it works.

5 comments:

  1. Hi Beth - good lucking staying out of the cycle. I think that by exercising and eating normally today, you'll be fine.

    I can relate to every word of the below:

    There is that too-full, too-hot, too-sick, too-tired feeling that’s accompanied by the fervent wish that I could throw up. (I’ve never been able to force myself, and long ago stopped trying.)

    Every word.

    And regarding the cause - I know you're the thinnest you've been in years, perhaps your entire adult life. I don't know if you're trying to lose more or to maintain, but perhaps you're hitting a too-low bodyfat % or weight for your particular body at this particular time (even if it's not too low on the [fucked-up] bmi).

    Although emotions might contribute to the binge, maybe it has a purely physical cause too - just a thought. I know my body FLIPPED OUT when I got to too low a weight (in addition to the flipping out (aka, binges) that happen when I'm undernourished after just a few days).

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  2. I’m so sorry that you are struggling at the moment. You have done so well I really believe you have the tools to get on top of this again. This is a time to be kind to yourself so no more self loathing please.

    I also history of ballooning, dieting and binge eating I know what its like to live in fear around food feeling like you are in control sometimes and then have no idea how it all slips away and you become again enslaved. I believe that all though it is something that never entirely goes away, the frequency and intensity does seem to subside with time. I think all you can do is try to identify your triggers and keep using your coping strategies. As you are so physically active you probably should be eating a little more each day to stop yourself from getting to hungry and running on empty.

    Finally I believe that you shouldn’t deny yourself for the sake of appearances, next time you want a pudding have one.

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  3. Hey Beth - that's life for you - one minute floating on air, the next your guard is down and you're back down in the mire!! BUT at least you're battling with these issues from a slim base. You're not trying to do so while lugging around all that extra weight (in both lbs and self-loathing!).

    I'm confident that you'll be able to step away from this episode and make the next one (and there will probably be a next one I'm afraid) much father away and much less extreme.

    It seems as though it really was only one binge but spread over 2 days and the trigger was, as you identified, hunger, and excessive restraint. Maybe trusting yourself a little more next time and having the brie starter might stave off the feelings of deprivation and allow you to relax for the rest of the meal....

    Good luck chuck and be kind to yourself. You are so painfully honest with yourself that I'm sure you can get through this.

    ((((((big hug))))))

    Lesley x

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  4. Hi there
    I've been lurking on your blog for a little while now, sorry about that. I came across your blog from Katie's, then read your book, and have come back again for a bit of an update I guess. But as some one who in a sense has just had a crash course on your life - I see this situation as actually being a repetitive trigger for you. Getting overly hungry to the point that the "healthy" choices no longer satisfy the hunger, and then rather than let someone see you eat more, or bad things, the "plotting" begins. I can really relate to this too, I may not have the binge issues, but I can almost guarantee that if I don't stick to my eating plan early in the day - I will always abandon it later on, for MANY bad choices. I'm so in awe of what you've achieved and overcome, and I know that you will be able to put this behind you also, and continue on in your journey. I believe that everyone has bad days, and sometimes your body just needs it. Its only a couple of days, just be doubly sure over the next little while to not put yourself in that situation again. But then - you know all that don't you!

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  5. Don't you wish that there really was a way to have your cake and eat it too? I wish I could eat the junk without eating it. I spent years bingeing and purging; thank God I have been able to break that cycle and it has been about 3 years since I purged. But the binging is soo hard to control. I guess I just have to accept that this is something I will continue to deal with for a long time, You have accomplished so much; don't beat yourself up. I know it sounds trite, but try to take it one day at a time. And I agree with the earlier commentor - if I eat properly early in the day, it does help me stay in control for my most difficult time - the time after I get home from work and while I am making dinner.

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