Friday 16 January 2009

The Damage Is Done So I Think I'll Be Leaving

Last night, while the rest of the bureau went to Gordon Ramsay at Claridges, I stayed home and played World of Warcraft (yes, my geek is showing.)

This wasn’t how it was supposed to end: me in the office today at 9 am – earlier than I’ve ever been there in my life – to collect the last of my things and turn in my blackberry, key fob, and security pass.

It was my own idea to do it this way – to get it over with fast, and with minimal interaction. Some things I wanted got left behind (like the huge magazine cover on my wall – my first cover story), but I probably don’t need any more things, or really, any more reminders. Not now.

Right now, Friday weighs on me like a backpack filled with bricks. I walk more slowly. I keep my eyes down. I can’t focus. I can’t sleep. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don’t think about Friday, even for a second.

I don’t have a right to be angry, but I am. I’m angry with the person I wronged, who has hit back at me in the place she knew it would hurt the most: through our human resources department. I note – with an emotion I can’t describe – that although she won’t speak to me, has spread word about me far and wide, and has otherwise done her best to make sure it damages my career, this person still was happy to accept the spa gift certificate I sent her. At least, I certainly didn’t find it cut up in shreds on my desk or anything.

I need to let this all go. There’s nothing I can do about any of this, except to move on.

* * *

I hope this is the last of the truly dark posts. There is one more possible consequence of what I did that truly would change my whole life, which is whether I lose my redundancy pay. The HR woman here says I won’t, but she has said things before that have turned out not to be true, so I won’t believe it until the money clears my account. I’m not sure when that would be, and so the anxiety is overwhelming. I’m trying to take it one day at a time, and go easy on myself for not being more productive, energetic, and healthy (besides the preponderance of pork pies, I’m finding it difficult to exercise, though I am managing to do a bit).

In the meantime, I’ve got a four-day assignment at another publication next week – on the showbiz desk of a British tabloid, which should be an adventure. (I don’t want to do that sort of work regularly, but when the job landed in my lap, I couldn’t resist the chance to try it. I’ve always been curious about tabloid newsrooms.)

Wish me luck.

6 comments:

  1. Well, you're out of there and you've done your best to make things right. Stress does funny things to people and probably the whole redundancy thing weighed more heavily on your mind than you thought and may have coloured your actions.

    Good luck in tabloid world! I bet you see and hear some sights there.

    Keep your chin up chuck!

    Lesley xx

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  2. I do wish you luck. And I wish you some inner peace and calm this weekend.

    love
    Peridot

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  3. Good luck Beth, I hope everything works out for you, and that you have a clean state to start from.

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  4. oh dear oh dear... just catching up on everything, i hope everything calms down soon, it sounds bloody horrible. thinking of you beth.

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  5. Good luck. I hope things pick up soon.

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  6. Belatedly, GOOD LUCK. We all need to hear that sometimes.

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