Slowly, the weight of the world’s heaviest backpack is lifting.
I don’t think about what I did every second of every day, though it comes back to me in frequent flashes. It feels unreal – like something someone else did. I did it, of course, and I admit that I did it. I just still can’t believe that I did.
Two days after Friday the 9th, my old boss – the reason for Friday’s gathering – sent me a lovely and much-needed email saying I had done something bad but that I wasn’t a bad person. I’m trying to remember that, but it’s awfully hard, especially when you consider the punishments I’m facing.
* * *
Yesterday I spent the day with Bachelor No. 2, and found myself unreasonably annoyed by his biscuit-scoffing.
He is overweight and has appalling eating habits: butter on everything, lots of snacking, lots of junk food (chocolate, pork pies, sausage rolls), lots and lots of toast. I don’t comment on what he eats – I don’t like people doing that to me, and besides, when does it ever work? Because he’s asked, sometimes I will point out when something he already likes to eat is a healthy (or healthier) choice, but really, that’s it.
He was ridiculously fit at university, and while I don’t think he aspires to get back to that, he has said he’d like to drop some weight and be fitter. (He wants to run with me once a week, which is driving me slightly bananas, because he runs much more slowly than I do, for a much shorter time, and it is a huge effort getting him out of the house.) And yet, yesterday he had a Godzilla-sized piece of bread-and-butter pudding with a thick layer of sugar on top while we waited for lunch. Then, on the way home, he bought a half-size package of chocolate digestive biscuits and proceeded to polish them off himself over the course of the evening.
Honestly, I can’t figure out why this irritated me so much. Because I was craving all kinds of junk food myself yesterday? Because he could eat these things without feeling bad about himself? Because he’s crazy to think a 20-minute slow run once a week will make any difference when he eats like that? (And because the 20-minute slow run is affecting my schedule, both exercise and otherwise). I’ve considered whether I’d be more or less irritated with him if he were slim and ate the way he does – in that case I think I’d be able to tease him about his eating habits, which I certainly wouldn’t do now.
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I am sorry to hear that this event is weighing on you so much. Try t be kind to yourself, it sounds like you made a mistake that you deeply regret, you are not a bad person. We all make mistakes, even really horrible mistakes, but we are human. I know you'll be ok. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think the irritation comes from the fact that you are now in the camp of the slim and healthy people! You've got the additional perspective of knowing what it takes to get there. I guess he's making all the kinds of excuses that the overweight make (and I include myself in that) - is there a food equivalent to beer goggles? Lard goggles?!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the horror of what you've been through is receding a bit - it's true that you'll relive it less and less. And I thought your boss' comments were wise and kind.
love
Peridot
It's incredibly annoying to watch some one with a problem whinging, but not trying to fix it. Plus eating chocolate biscuits in front of you.... rude:)!
ReplyDeleteGlad the black cloud is starting to lift.