Monday 23 February 2009

Ironic

(with apologies to Alanis Morrisette*)

Thanks to the strain – heartbreak? – of the past few days, the waist size 28 jeans BN2 bought me for Christmas fit perfectly. Isn’t it ironic?

After years of struggling against binge eating and wishing (almost) I had the ability to starve myself the way I did during the Summer of a Thousand Peaches, I actually have to guard against cutting back. It’s insidious, this way of thinking: I can do without this snack. Maybe I can leave this bit over. Maybe I can do without rice with my stew. It seems harmless enough right now, but I can feel myself deriving way too much pleasure from the numbers on the scale at the moment. In time of chaos and upheaval, I look to these (artificially) low numbers (I saw 10 stone 6 – aka 146 – the other day) as proof that I am doing something right. Not good.

I did precious little work last week thanks to all of this, so this is just a quick update, and a thank you -- your messages last week meant more than I can say.

*except unlike most of her examples, mine actually is ironic...
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3 comments:

  1. Phoenix23 February 2009 at 14:54

    I understand that you are worried about being too much in control- not good either, but do you feel you have reached your goal weight yet? Because I think we all know its going to be tough staying there... thats why my weight has yo-yoed up and down over the years- losing focus at goal weight. So the question is are you prepared to be that much in control for the rest of your life?

    I would like to think that I can (one day). I started a weight loss blog today to track myself :) http://hotbefore40.blogspot.com/

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  2. Peridot23 February 2009 at 17:23

    I can see in a time of chaos in your personal life that having some sort of control - over your food and weight - must seem a comfort. But that makes me feel slightly anxious - there's something about that that sounds slightly sinister. I do think that not turning to binge-eating is in itself a pretty momentous step though.

    Take care of yourself.

    love
    Peridot xx

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  3. Lesley23 February 2009 at 17:49

    Massive congratulations for being down in the 10s but you're right to put a little marker down to watch your thinking round food at this stressful time. You've had a double whammy of work and relationship so you're bound to be a bit fragile. Just keep doing what you're doing and don't let the siren call of "control" take you too far; she's as dangerous as her sister "out of control" .

    You sound like you're doing well in the circumstances though and I hope you start to feel a little better soon.

    Chin up chuck. I'm really rooting for you.

    Lesley x

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