Friday 24 July 2009

Quick Drive By Post

Sorry for the silence. It’s been a tough few weeks, filled with quite a lot of work (unfortunately not of the paying variety – lots of ideas to pitch, and then my edit test for the New York job, which made me question whether I even want said job, or more to the point, whether I can do it. But perhaps I should worry about that if and when they offer it to me?)

I’ve also had an exceedingly difficult time with food – constantly hungry despite allowing myself a bit more than usual, and even finding the taste of my favorite breakfast (porridge with raisins) a bit bland and in need of sugar. And not as filling as usual. L

I also binged on Sunday and Monday. It’s been a year, I think, since I did a two-day binge – normally I’ve been able to hop right back on the wagon after one bad day. But I felt hungry all day Sunday and finally gave in in the late afternoon/early evening. I ate huge helpings of the Sunday roast at a friend’s parents, and finished with fistfuls and fistfuls of Cornish fairings and chocolates. I woke up Monday and struggled to eat a proper breakfast (as opposed to the fry-up everyone else was having), then spent much of the morning thinking how to sneak more food. I bought a couple of chocolate bars at the shop, confessed to a friend that I had done so and wasn’t going to eat them, and then ate them anyway later – after we’d been to Pizza Express and I’d sneaked out claiming I was going to the bathroom and then bought a couple of cookies that were hard and crumbly, but which, of course, I still ate.

Sigh.

Then followed some covert and not-so-covert chocolate eating, more biscuits, and a huge binge of bizarre foods: ham, cheese, peanut butter, more fairings, figs, chocolate…

I woke up on Tuesday feeling gray, fat and miserable, and didn’t manage to do any exercise (though I did manage not to binge). I got to the gym Wednesday and Thursday, but not today. Not good, especially because I still feel constantly on the cusp of another binge.

I fear desperately that these days will be the ones that – in six months’ time, when I’m a size 20 again – I look back and think: That was where it all unravelled.

I cannot let that happen. A friend says she will not allow that to happen. I feel slightly better just for not being alone in the struggle.

I also must get a grip. I got on the scale yesterday and was up four pounds. Four pounds. I feel like I can see it in all my clothes, and that suddenly I am huge. But hello, reality check: Yesterday went to see Gwynnie & M@dge’s trainer and a slim girl there was talking about how she dreamed about eating 10 American cookies the night before.

“I just got back from 3 weeks in the US,” I told her. “Almost nothing there tastes as good as it looks.”
She smiled and said – nicely – “Do you even eat cookies? You’re so slim.”

Bless.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear about the binge. It must be worrying. I suppose all you can do is keep on trying to stop them and be vigilant and eventually they will fade away. Your anxiety about returning to your larger self (which I share!) probably contributes to your general anxiety every time you eat off-piste and that must gradually fade as you start to trust yourself.

    I hope you're able to access the help you need too.

    Lesley x

    ReplyDelete
  2. so much to catch up on... hope you are feeling okay about it, the job and all... dead exciting really :)

    ReplyDelete