A Few Good Men

It's probably wildly inappropriate, but I'm amused at the idea that my little diet blog apparently could become a threat to national security if I were to write about my experience with the military Thursday and Friday. I'm trying to imagine the Taliban poring through some of my entries about food, shaking their heads and trying to figure out what a graham cracker is – and if the west might be won through, say, Cadbury crème eggs.

So...no details from Thursday and Friday except to say: Men are vile. I'd say 90 percent of those men had wives or girlfriends, and nearly all of them made it clear they'd be more than willing to cheat.

Case in point: I was kneeling down in the mud at one point, and a soldier walked up to me. Behind him, I could see a few others looking in our direction

"I've got 160 men here who want to know if you're single," he said.

Let's just say despite being absolutely freezing, I ended up having to decline all offers of extra sleeping bags, because I had no idea what sort of, erm, strings were attached. And lest you think I'm overreacting – I wasn't. One of the worst offenders I later found out has a wife and two kids – and apparently tries it on with any woman he can. I had to be rescued from him by a (extremely adorable, but already taken) military lawyer. As we joked, this may well have been the first time anyone has said: "Thank God for the lawyer!"

And men are vile, part 2: Remember the guy who cancelled on me at the 11th hour a week ago Friday? I was unimpressed when I got a couple of texts from him during the week, asking me for coffee at the last minute. When the third one arrived, I said I could meet Sunday or not until next week. He texted back: "At this rate it will be Independence Day before we sleep together." UGH.

I happened to speak to my friend O. yesterday, whose insight into the male brain really can't be trusted because... well... because. He emails me: "I'm not defending him, but if he is anything like me he probably spent an afternoon thinking: 'She expects me to be forward and show a bit of male cockiness, girls expect that, it says so in FHM.' Then he sent the message and thought 'Shit I've gone too far, oh God, I've ballsed it up etc etc. He just likes you and is trying to impress you."

Still my gut screamed to ignore the texts, so that's exactly what I did.

***

In the interest of full disclosure, I binged Friday. I went to dinner at friends of friends, beyond exhausted after both the military maneuvers and before that, three days of very, very early mornings while I try to write daily articles (plus spin) on topics I know very little about. So, in short, a whole week of extreme anxiety combined with feelings of fraudulence and fear – that my lack of knowledge is going to be discovered, and that I'll be fired. I'm not sure what scares me more: The idea of being caught at being crap, or the idea that I am crap at this profession I've been trying to do since I was 15 years old.

Anyway, on about 24 hours of sleep for the whole week, I then tried to go and be a normal, functioning social human being. I should have made my polite excuses, but I didn't want to. I knew I didn't have plans for Saturday night, and I thought I'd better go out while I could.

The hosts were Jewish and the hostess had baked a loaf of challah bread. I wanted to crawl inside it and eat my way through it – it was that kind of evening.

I ate too much bread and then too much of the tiramisu panettone for dessert and then too many of the mint chocolates served later. When I got up to get another cup of tea I even had a couple of handfuls of nuts. Between all of that and a few glasses of wine, I was – I think – primed for a binge when I was dropped off near a bus that turned out not to be going anywhere near what I needed. And so binge I did: four muffins, a packet of m&ms, a doughnut (I bought 2, but one was too stale even for me to eat), and some chocolate buttons. There might have been something else in there. Then I came home and – for no apparent reason – ate a Baxters Healthy Choice soup (don't ask, it was on special) and a small packet of crisps (left over from my military rations). I think the only reason I didn't dig into the tons of shortbread and chocolate I have around my flat is (a) I was full, and (b) I had promised myself that if I started bingeing on it I would have to throw it all out.

I'm not sure how I managed to get up and get to Pilates the next morning, let alone not be ill during it. And today I had plans to meet a friend to go to Bikram yoga, something I haven't done for at least 3 years. So I feel detoxed and slightly better. And so the fight – and the count – begins anew. Two days binge-free.

Gratitude list for today: 1. Long chat with friend. 2. Bikram not nearly as bad as I was expecting – actually felt quite good and satisfying, though I am very stiff and out of practice. 3. Commission from health and fitness magazine on a topic that actually interests me.