Friday 29 January 2010

Shiny, Happy People

Text message last night from Friend Bearing Chocolate, who now lives abroad: "How are you?"

I was standing with one of my best friends, and our hilarious English dance class was about to begin. I was hung over from a crazy night of wine-tasting (er, gulping), and looking forward to a busy weekend after two quiet ones. The day before I'd received an invitation to a dinner party and realized – with a great rush of joy – that I didn't have to consider anyone or anything other than: Do I want to go and am I free? (Yes, and yes.) No scheming, no negotiating, no angsting, no recrimination.

"I fear I will jinx myself just by saying this, but I am SO HAPPY!" I finally wrote back, almost as if I couldn't believe it myself. Not every minute, of course, but in general, happy.

I felt particularly, well, happy to be able to say so to FBC, who has seen and heard some of the worst of BN2. It was FBC who happened to be in town when we split in May, and FBC to whom I fled a couple of weeks later, just to get out of town. Like all of the friends who had any glimpse of what my life was really like this past year (and frankly, that wasn't all that many of them because I am nothing if not a good editor) she would listen and express concern and tell me I deserved so much better. She would tell me she'd do whatever she could to help. Then I'd go home to BN2, feeling exhausted and defeated and frustrated – and somewhat pathetic. Why couldn't I just leave? I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit in some sort of Roman amphitheatre – like something out of Gladiator -- all of my friends above watching and shaking their heads as I slowly disappeared.

And now, suddenly, I've escaped. There are times when I feel almost unbearably sad and lonely – and strange moments where I think almost incredulously: I dumped him, as though someone else did it – but for the most part, I am moving on. And revelling in it.

Exchanging emails with O, who also asked in an aside how I was, I wrote something similar to what I'd told FBC.

O and I are not happy by nature – get us together and we can be a bunch of tortured cynics. We envy O's happy-go-lucky girlfriend, who – as O puts it – sleeps the deep, contented sleep where you can see the zzzz's above her head. We, however, lose sleep over things she would never consider.

O writes back:

"How completely wonderful! I am genuinely delighted to hear that. You deserve some happiness - you have been shamelessly kicked around and I am not surprised that you feel bruised. BE HAPPY."

***

Lest you think it's all sunflowers and Estee Lauder ad puppies over here, I do have an angstier post I started the other day but... must rush to get ready to go out, so will have to finish it later!

6 comments:

  1. :-)

    This makes me so very happy to read.

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  2. Woooohooooo! Amazing how much a bad relationship can bring us down. It's like any addiction, you don't realise how much it was hurting you until it's gone. Also, you are still in the withdrawl phase, so even better times are ahead yet.

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  3. Feeling free and happy. Isn't that we are all striving to feel on a regular basis?

    So happy for YOU that you are happy! You are now free to be yourself again. THAT is something to relish!

    So do you look like Elizabeth Hurley in a wedding gown, what with all the sunflowers and puppies? Or I have I combined Estee ads?

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  4. Freedom is something you can't value until it's gone I suspect. You've won yours back through your own determination, resolve and hard and painful work. Enjoy every precious second.

    love
    Peridot x

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  5. Quite honestly brought a wee tear to my eye... so happy you're feeling happy :)

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