Of Toast and Eggs

Like a bad dream, like the world's most toxic piece of toast, BN2 has popped up again.

Ding! There he is, sending me a message on Skype.

Ding! There he is, sending me a (cranky) e-mail. "I could write a tome on my own life this last month, but you haven't asked me how I'm doing, so I'll just fast forward to logistics." His closing included: "...drop me a line sometimes as you would for any regular friend."

Ding! There he is on Skype again.

Ding! There he is, managing to irritate me more with just the subject line of an e-mail than anyone in the world, ever.

Ding! There he is, inviting me to join him and his daughter on a walk Sunday. (On the fourth of never, at six o'clock, thank you very much. I also can't help marvelling how little he seems to understand me. She is cute, but does he really think I'm going to be sucked back in by photos of her at Christmas – which he sent – and time spent with a three-and-a-half-year-old I never felt quite at peace with, while no doubt her father tells me how to behave? Her presence and routine -- or lack thereof, quite irritatingly -- dictated a lot of my life, half of my weekends, and most of my vacations for the past two years. Not anymore.)

Thus far I've managed to respond only when required (logistics of disentangling our lives) and not to say anything nasty. I fear, however, that the "Go f—k yourself" O. recommended last night is going to be required. Sigh. What I most want is for him to just leave me alone. Even if I don't respond to an email, or respond minimally, I still have to deal with it, and him. I read some of his questions and I can hear myself justifying my behaviour, and him picking it apart (or picking my language apart) just like nearly all the arguments we had. It's exhausting. Forget about giving me money back and my black t-shirt – I want my head space back.

***

As I think I've mentioned, I've been so unbelievably hungry lately. (I'm not going to say starving because, um, that's for Haiti.) The usual meals and snacks just don't fill me up. My "hunger" – and the quotation marks are deliberate, because I don't trust it one bit – has gotten me into trouble for most of my life, so I am very wary of listening to what it has to say. Trying, but wary.

If I'm hungry after breakfast I'm generally hungry all day long. So I've been experimenting with my porridge, which these days usually contains either raisins or a little blob of almond butter (don't find the almond butter helps with satiety, but I do like the taste). Generally I am not a fan of things that add calories but can't be tasted, but I've made an exception for egg whites, because whoever gained weight eating egg whites? (Unless they're the sort in the middle of a Cabury's crème egg, of course.)

I have to say, it's helping. I gave in and bought a carton of egg whites (not thrilled at the addition of guar gum, but seemed better than wasting egg yolks – and having to separate eggs every morning), and I've been dumping a couple of tablespoons in my porridge. You can't taste the egg, but the porridge definitely is more satisfying.

***

And from our "What's Up Doc" files: I was walking through the supermarket Tuesday craving raw carrots. No joke. After a failed diet several years ago that involved bags and bags of baby carrots, carrots and I are not exactly close mates. Have I got some sort of deficiency? Or is my detox from diet Coke (9 days and counting) sending my body haywire? You make the call.

***

Gratitude list for Tuesday: 1. Fun dinner-turned-therapy-session (for which one of us, it's not really clear) with my friend O. 2. Woke up with a story suggestion waiting for me so I didn't have to spend hours hunting to fill my daily quota. 3. Having a trainer at the gym tell me I could do squats and lunges because I'm "so slim." (She says she doesn't recommend those for women trying to lose weight because they can make you look bigger.) 4. "Taster" free massage – bliss. (Yes, an extra one because some days I really am scraping at the bottom of the barrel.)

Gratitude list for today: 1. No ugliness from BN2 when I turned down his invitation for this weekend. 2. Possible commission coming from a health and fitness magazine. 3. It's not snowing, raining or otherwise precipitating as I'm about to make the trek to a top secret military exercise. Where, I should add, I'll be for the next couple of days – very likely without any Internet access. I binged my way through assignments involving the military in years past so I'm slightly anxious. (Yes, I can binge even on crappy food.) Fingers crossed...