The Best I Can Say Is: It's Over

It was not a great Christmas, foodwise. Actually, that is an understatement. It was a pretty damn freakin’ bad Christmas, foodwise – and also an embarrassing one, because I reached the point of bingeing as a houseguest, which is a new low.

I’m writing this post for a bit of accountability more than anything else – I’m not really up for analyzing and wallowing at the moment (though I’ve done a fair bit of both).

I did pretty well the first couple of days, then binged Christmas Eve Day and Christmas Day, with Christmas Day’s being particularly bad. (I might have eaten an entire box of shortbread, among other things. Yikes.)

The good: I got in at least some exercise every day except Christmas Day. (I tried to run but it was seriously too icy, and it was black ice. There was a car accident outside the house and the ambulance skidded down the road on the way to it.) I got up super-early and ran on the 22nd before getting on the train, ran on the 23rd, did about a half hour’s worth of yoga from my yoga deck on the 24th, did a 20-minute run on the 26th (despite feeling miserable post-binge), and got off the five-hour train ride and did a 20-minute run and 25-minute walk tonight at about 6 p.m. (On the 23rd and 24th, I also sneaked in some cheeky pushups and dips and even a couple of planks – basically, whenever I’d run back to my room to get something, which was often, I’d reel off something quick, like 10 pushups.)

Also good: I stopped the bingeing before the end of the trip. I’m one of these people who can find it hard to stop without physically removing myself from a difficult situation, but I didn’t binge on Boxing Day, despite lack of control over what I was being served, plus various other triggers. I actively decided not to have anything to drink – alcohol being a trigger – and didn’t. I did have pudding but turned down chocolate, crisps, cheese and other snacks when they were offered.

The bad: I had a couple of flashbacks of trips past where I literally had clothes that didn’t fit by the end of the trip. (Didn’t happen but I felt like it could have.)

The ugly: Bingeing in public, as houseguest. Embarrassed (esp because friend’s mum is the type who comments on everything). Feeling a bit worried I wasn’t too polite yesterday – I’m always a bit tetchy and anxious post-binge, and having my every move watched and commented upon (literally) wasn’t helping.

Sigh. I’m feeling huge and fat and wishing I could hide out for a couple of weeks, eating only safe foods and working out, but that’s not really an option. I’m not sure what’s a reasonable goal for myself at this point besides staying off the scale for a few days – I know I ate poorly; I don’t need the scale to confirm it at this point – and getting in my workouts. We shall see.

* * *

Bachelor No. 2 texted me on Christmas Day, then rang today to organize meeting up. We’re meeting up late-ish tomorrow afternoon, exact time and place TBA. I hate that sort of non-plan plan but it actually makes the most sense in this case. Still, as we were getting off the phone, I said something like: “We can set a time if you have something you have to do tomorrow.” To which he replied: “I have to see you tomorrow.”

Very sweet. If only the only thing I remember about him from that party were not: I could not be less attracted to you.