Thursday 5 July 2012

Back from the Bingeing Wars

It's 9 am here in New York, and today is technically Day 1. But when you factor in time change it's been at least 24 hours since I've binged, and considering that involved a transatlantic trip (travelling is usually a huge binge trigger for me) and that over the previous two weeks I binged nearly every day, I'll take it.

Frankly, even if it didn't include a transatlantic plane trip, I'll take it.

It is here that I will confess that on the plane trip I debated buying in-flight duty free chocolate and bingeing on it. I also debated eating at least one and maybe both of the Cadbury Flakes I'd bought for my editor, reasoning that I was going to try to avoid going in to the office to meet her for couple of weeks, and that I have a friend coming over from England then anyway who could "import" them. And I don't even particularly like Cadbury Flakes (unless one is stuck in my ice cream cone), but that is, as always, besides the point.

On my last night in London, I stayed at the Savoy, and each time I walked down the Strand it was like swerving to avoid ghosts, only to bump into other ones. I used to work just off the Strand, in a big white wedding cake of a building on Waterloo Bridge, and nearly every step and every shop stirred up floods of memories, and with them, sadness and regret for opportunities wasted. I could have done such a better job living my life if only I could have some of those opportunities now. Sigh.

There's the Next where I somewhat frantically yet gleefully had to buy a top before work because I'd come in from (unexpectedly) spending the night in Oxford nearly nine years ago. (The filmmaker; a very short-lived relationship.) Villiers Street, with Gordon's Wine Bar, the little sushi place where often I'd pick up lunch, and a random pub where I once had a very strange date with an American. The Pizza Express I remember having a dinner with a friend on one of my first nights in London – the night I learned that Embankment and Charing Cross are barely a two-minute walk (and, for some reason, I remember bingeing on the way home). The Virgin Active, which used to be a Holmes Place, which was my gym for years – and from which I'd walk to my office, even when we moved south of the river. I also remember nearly falling asleep in a midday yoga class the day after a date with the Fig. The Coal Hole, where I once had a date with a guy who I later found out was engaged. Adam Street, home of the private members club to which my boss belonged, and where, very early in our relationship, BN2 and I went to an event where (a) I later learned he picked up another woman, (b) he was late because of what would be the first of many skirmishes in his custody battle, and (c) I sneaked out to binge (at the Leon on the corner, I believe). The Topshop where I remember getting a call from the man who eventually became my boss while standing in the dressing room. An Italian restaurant where we had an office Christmas lunch. The Superdrug where an intern used to buy her lunch: always the pick-a-mix. The Tesco that used to be a newsagent. The Caffe Nero on Waterloo Bridge where I met a Wallpaper* travel editor on one of my first days in London, and – after I got my job – I could see from my office window every day... Even the Savoy itself, where I went for drinks just before I left London with a friend who no longer is. And on and on it goes...

I left New York on Thursday the 21st for Washington DC, and headed to London that Sunday. I got back late last night. I binged nearly every day, violent binges, sometimes more than one in a day. Some days I'd make it through until 10 pm without bingeing and then start. (I counted up I managed just three days without bingeing, four if you count the whole Sunday at the airport – long story – plus plane trip out, where I overate but didn't binge.) Before I left on this trip I remembered looking around my apartment in New York and wondering if anything would fit when I returned, and it has come true. I caught sight of myself in the mirrored arrivals hall at Newark Airport last night and thought: Who is that fat girl?

And it is me.

I want to go away and hide for at least a month. I've had moments like this before: One particular trip when I returned from about two weeks at the Venice film festival having binged every day, and put on nearly two sizes. Or a month-long work trip to Africa, where I did the same – and ended up gaining back all the weight I'd lost in 2004. Wednesday night at the ballet I was so crashing from sugar I could hardly keep my eyes open – and I had that old familiar feeling, not felt for so long, of being dressed inappropriately because it was the only thing that fit, and feeling passed over for conversation because I was overweight. At the reception – a friend of a friend is a patron – one woman turned away from me mid-conversation, and another guy turned abruptly and disappeared. It could have been a coincidence, yes, but it didn't feel like one.

I've thought about going to see a nutritionist, but I already know what she would say, and anyway, I don't need a diet. In fact, too much restriction could be disastrous. I have thought about giving up sugar, since over the past week and a half it really did seem to unleash my demons. I would think to myself: I'm just going to get a Ben's Cookie, or a macaron, or a cupcake, or whatever it was I thought I wanted – you know, like a normal person -- and I would have one and just not be able to stop.

I have a huge story due tomorrow that I'm terrified about, so for right now I am just trying to keep it simple and not binge. I'm also going to try to post daily, for accountability's sake.

4 comments:

  1. Beth, for what it's worth, I'm reading, and wishing you well darling, you're not alone in this, you have people rooting for you to get through it, this too will pass xxx

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  2. Post daily; I'm right there with you. And we can text in weak moments if it helps. I'm picking myself up from being dragged behind the wagon for the past year... and it is hard but it feels so very very good to TRY again... because frankly, I wasn't even trying anymore. Hang in there.

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  3. Please do post daily; I will be reading all the way. I find everything you write so moving and true.

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