Today, in what I both suspect and fear will be a recurring theme, I had moments of despair, feeling that everything I'm doing is pointless.
So I'd like to get to 30 days without bingeing. But what happens after Day 30? Day 31.
It never ends. It will never end.
And frankly, today hasn't even been that much of a struggle.
I am very well aware of the benefits – both physical and psychological -- of not bingeing, of course. But sometimes, the times when I want to do it, I just don't care. And sometimes, like today, I actually mourn that I cannot do it. It's like thinking wistfully about a bad relationship (for the record, something I actually do not do in the case of BN2.)
***
I went back to yoga today, though not the studio with the horrendiferous class. My sweatworking date for the crap class runs a yoga newsletter, and she agreed with me that my neighborhood might be the only one in NYC that is not overflowing with studios. But she told me about a new one that recently opened, and when I Googled it, I discovered two teachers from my old yoga studio in midtown (the one where I'd do lunchtime yoga; now sadly closed anyway) now teach there. Half the battle with me and yoga these days has been that I can't work myself up to going when I'm not sure what I'm going to be getting into.
Today's class was 75 minutes of very gentle vinyasa flow that was both too gentle and slightly too long (I have yoga ADD; those 45 minutes lunchtime classes used to be ideal). But it felt good to get back on the mat, and I bought a new student special of unlimited classes for 30 days. If I go to just four classes it's already a good deal. I'm aiming for two a week.
Day 10.
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45 minutes?? Seriously, my exercise concentration.. for any sort of exercise, tanks at about 25 minutes and a few seconds. I have done a few 45 minute classes and was feeling that 'enough already' vibe at the usual point. I have exercise ADD too. Some days, I'd just rather do some really vigorous housework.
ReplyDeleteTo me, 'It never ends' seems like the crap flipside to 'this moment will pass.' I get that I can go to bed, leave a party, or otherwise get out of a particular situation and no longer feel quite the intensity of the pull of desire to eat whatever thing it is - or twelve things, or whatever - that I feel drawn to eat. But the moment will come back again, or a moment that isn't meaningfully different. That's difficult to deal with.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear you say that you don't long for BN2. I actually think that is remarkable and awesome.
ReplyDeleteI've been really needing/wanting/meaning to get back to yoga, more for the mental health benefits than anything else . I'm strung pretty tight lately. A gentle vinyasa or restorative class might be just what the doctor ordered. Good job on 10 days!