Day Five

As a child The Wizard of Oz could give me nightmares – that Wicked Witch of the West! And last night I couldn't sleep because I managed to freak myself out reading, of all things, a Nancy Drew mystery I couldn't resist buying on the sale table of a book shop. I am officially the wimpiest person of all time.

It meant I woke up tired today, and everything – flaky friends, emails from PRs, text messages, the mess in my apartment -- seemed just a little too much to deal with. I did not want to decide anything so much as a time or place to meet, or figure out any logistics. I just wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone.

I worked on my fiction for 45 minutes this morning, something I'm going to aim to do for a month and see how it goes. Then I went to a spin class, and it was one of those days where I was very grateful to have signed up for one, because it might have taken me all day to get to a workout otherwise (and I probably wouldn't have worked as hard). Sometimes everything lifts a bit after class, but not this time: I was still annoyed with everything and everyone. I took a deep breath. I thought about ignoring irritating emails and texts, except ignoring them meant they'd still be floating out there in the ether, destroying any chance at inner peace.

I didn't struggle with the food too badly today except briefly at dinner. I was meeting an old friend in town from North Carolina at a burger place. I ordered one atop a salad, and felt an unreasonable rush of disappointment – and fear – when the salad was not the massive bowl of greens I was expecting. There's a huge hamburger and crumbled bleu cheese (both calorie-dense items) in this bowl and I am still going to feel hungry when I'm done? How am I going to get through until tomorrow morning without eating again? How am I ever going to lose this binge weight if I eat this sort of thing? I am going to be fat forever. I might as well just eat. I am so tired of the struggle.

I waited. The feelings passed. And it's nearly 11.30 pm and I'm not hungry.

Day Five.