8.52 am: One of those days where I feel like I'm hungry right after breakfast.
Going to try to write here throughout the day to see how it goes/follow it.
9.03 am: Ugh. Just remembered I'm having not-my-usual lunch today, and already worried it won't fill me up and I'll feel hungry all afternoon. Right. One thing at a time here.
10.25 am: Spent an hour writing (a project I like) and was OK during it. But now thinking about food again. May take a little walk shortly. Usually I exercise in the morning, but I'm meeting a friend later for a barre class (one of my least favorite workouts, but this one is free.)
11.04: Friend now says she's canceling on barre, which I do understand, but am annoyed, as she's apparently had said problem for several days now and I lose the credit for canceling in less than 24 hours. (Class was given to me, so I'm not actually out $$, but still. And plus, I might have organized my day differently today if I'd known. I certainly wouldn't go to barre on my own. Sigh.)
11.51 am: Hungry, tired (woke up at 6, inexplicably), feeling unwilling. Have done nothing but waste time since 10.25. Right. Let's get on with it. 25 minutes of work.
12.18 am: Just done 25 minutes of actual work for something that pays (earlier hourlong thing does not, at least not yet). Feel marginally better. Why can't I just remember/accept that wasting a lot of time just doesn't feel that good?
1.06 pm: Another 25 minutes of actual work (there was some time-wasting between the last lot of 25 min and this one. But now, lunchtime! Aaah!
1.20 pm: Always feel a bit sad when lunch is over. Like, no more food for you until dinner, which seems impossibly far away.
1.50 pm: Meant to go for a walk but stopped by emails about a piece I've already turned in but needs to be updated slightly. Life of a freelancer.
1.52 pm: Email to PR company bounces back, and I actually called. Intern at front desk seems unaware of who the company represents. Hmmm, maybe not the best choice of person to answer your phones?
2.16: Stomach asking for more food. Grr. Taking 20-min walk NOW and not looking at email so can't fall down rabbit hole.
2.51: Hot out. But good to get out. Thinking about putting my phone in airplane mode so I can't compulsively check email. (I managed not to on this walk, but still.) Friend still hasn't answered about whether canceling on barre means she's also canceling on dinner. Kind of annoyed.
4.36: Friend has just now finally canceled. Don't really mind at this point. Most of last 90 minutes spent alternately emailing a publicist and making a few fixes to already-filed story. Still feeling like I want to eat, but it's not unbearable, and there have been moments of reprieve.
4.51: Now just want to eat. Thinking of heading out to Pilates a few minutes early. (It's a Pilates/barre double, not typical for me, not least of which is because I never do barre. Still on the fence about whether I *will* do barre sans friend.)
8.30: Home from Pilates and a barre class I despised so much I finally let myself leave during the last song. I *never* leave classes. But this was just horrible. Not that it was so hard -- it was just interminable. I didn't enjoy it at all. Grumpy to have spent that hour (well, 56 minutes) on something I despised that didn't even feel like it was doing that much. Grr. So ready for dinner.
9.13: Hungry, a little grumpy and despairing of ever being full (or thin) (or being able to write again). Doesn't really make sense as I've eaten approximately the same calories as usual. Actually doing a bit to help other people to try to get myself out of my own head. (And also because I don't really want to work, although for sure I should.)
9.50: Hungry, sigh. Wasting time. Going to do 25 minutes of work.
11.22: Wasted more time, did a bit more work, but not on the thing I really should have been working on. Hunger seems to have faded a bit... Just in time for me to go to sleep, hmph. Though going to bed feeling hungry is never fun.
What I learned today: Writing it out was helpful, if kind of boring for the rest of the world to read. Also: I need to do something about this time wasting. I've been working at half-speed since I got back from working abroad -- can't seem to get excited about anything, and telling myself the most important thing is to get through the day without bingeing. But I dare say I could soon end up bingeing from the stress if I don't start lining up some work for myself...
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ReplyDelete- just read your post, and as someone who works from home (lawyer/research and writing), I can totally empathize with you. When I first started from home 20 years ago, I went through exactly what you're going through. I found it so difficult to avoid getting distracted by other thing I needed or wanted to do, and this was BEFORE the Internet was really popular. I would procrastinate and wind up pulling all nighters and was miserable. I finally decided I would act like I worked in an actual office. I would figure out how many hours I needed to work in a given week, and plan a start-time, lunch break and end time. As I'm sure you know, writing is never really "finished," and you can go on fixing and changing forever, and it's nearly impossible to put it aside feeling satisfied that it's the best it can be. I think that's why it's too tempting to working on something until the very last second before it's due. I know this is all much easier said than done, but eventually it became a routine and had made my life so much easier.
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