This Close

This is how close I came to bingeing last night.

Truly, I don’t know how I didn’t.

I was restless yesterday, thinking I would have a quiet night in and then feeling both hungry and like I wanted to do something a bit more celebratory, since it was a three-day weekend. Not that three-day weekends mean much when you work for yourself, but anyway.

A friend texted to say she was in the neighborhood, and so we went to a wine bar. It used to be I had willpower of steel and could avoid food when I was out so I could go home and eat my planned meal, but I just cannot anymore. And so we had a bit of cheese, bread and nuts. Nothing terrible, but not paleo. Halfway through the bottle of Riesling I was already thinking about a binge. And then I texted another friend to join us, and we drank more (but didn’t eat more) and then the first friend left.

I was thinking about suggesting to Friend #2 that we go for dinner, since she hadn’t eaten. But after we walked F1 to the subway at Union Square, we stood there looking at each other uncertainly. I couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to eat (meaning, with another person, as opposed to what I could shove down my gob in private), and I didn’t want any more to drink. We ended up parting ways, and I thought about pizza and doughnuts (the above-mentioned Dough) and all manner of stuff.

And then I thought about how much better I would feel if I could wake up the next morning not having binged. And I told myself I could even eat my regular dinner when I got home, if I wanted to. And slowly I turned around and walked south instead of north (toward the doughnut shop). I passed a pizza place and a gelato shop and so many other food places I stopped counting. Ice cream cones people carried leaped out at me.

And then I got home and went to bed. Day 12.