First the caveats.
It's hot out. It was in the afternoon, and after I'd drunk a lot (of non-alcoholic beverages).
Don't ask me what, exactly, possessed me to do this today, after not having done it for at least a year.
But it seems I have binged, exercised almost daily, and not-focused-on-the-number all the way up to – per the gym scale -- 180 pounds.
Which is nearly 40 pounds more than I weighed at my lowest weight ever, in 2009. A weight which, OK, I accept – based on commentary of friends and family since then – to have been too low. I think I was 150-155 when I left England in 2010.
I'm not sure I've quite processed it, because I am not freaking out quite as much as I thought I might be, although of course I immediately felt ginormous when I looked in the mirror. Or at least, more ginormous than usual. Funny how a dress that looked almost OK the other day (because I don't like how I look in much of anything these days) immediately seemed to fit differently (translation: worse).
I feel like it's no longer acceptable for me to walk around in gym clothes, which I often do. (Maybe this is the excuse I need to stop being so sloppy and you know, maybe even put on some lipstick every once in a while.)
I immediately want to set all kinds of goals. 165? 150? 155? Yowza, 25 pounds?
And then I stop my mind racing about it, or try to.
I know that when I've been very overweight, 180-185 was always the point where I'd start to look normal-ish – where I could walk into any shop and find something that fit. I guess maybe my body composition has changed or the sizing has, because I can put US 8/10s on my body.
Either way, I need to remember that there have been times in my life when I would have been delighted to be this size, and that I'm still a good 60 pounds lower than I was where I started. And also: That I am headed in the right direction, even if the right direction is no change in weight at all.
Day 38.
Beth, it's been 38 days darling, it never gets easier, you just get better x
ReplyDeleteI realise this may come across as 'telling you want you want to hear', but, trust me, it's not (in my job I'm quite used to telling people what they don't want to hear, not fun), but you are really doing well. You know that statistic '95% of those that lose weight regain it'? That is for real. There has hardly been a study that didn't get something like that, only usually it's 'regain it and more'. That's not to say they don't go on and lose it again, but you are definitely beating the statistic, AND you are kicking the ass of that binge eating, oh, AND writing that book. :D All good.
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