I had a long conversation with my sister Sunday night about BN2, and she got choked up, telling me how hard I’d worked in so many areas of my life. My sister isn’t one for idle flattery – at least with me – so I got a little choked up myself when she told me how beautiful, smart and funny I was. (Those were her words, not mine.)
I appreciated it, although I hated how sad she was for me, the same way I hated it a week ago Sunday when my father told me my “little life had been blown to pieces” over the past few months.
I am ok and then suddenly not ok. I remember someone – my mother? – talking about the week after someone dies not being the worst part, because there are loads of people around you, and flurries of activity, and because normal service is suspended: You can do practically anything you want and it’s excusable. What is much worse is when everyone has gone home, thinking they’ve gotten you through the worst of it, and it is just you looking at the pair of the now-deceased’s shoes in the front hall and wondering how you got there and how on earth you’re going to come back.
I was sad today – sadder than I’ve been for several days. It’s sinking in that I may never speak to him again. And although everyone I know may want to turn cartwheels at the idea, I don’t. Not yet.
You have to mourn the relationship you dreamed you’d have, a friend of mine said, and I think that’s what I’m doing. I think about ways to salvage Venice – the family holiday I always wanted. I keep thinking: well, what if he did this? And what if he agreed to do that? But the bottom line is that he won’t, and can’t. And so I can’t. And yet still I resist booking something that will take me out of town when we would have gone. I will, I think, but not yet. One step at a time.
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Suddenly all my reliable meals seem to sicken me. I am hungry, don’t get me wrong, and I’m eating every last calorie I’m allowed plus more (my father freaked out when I told him I was “down 90 pounds” – apparently he thought I’d said “down to 90 pounds.”). I just can’t always think what to eat.
In the past week I’ve become obsessed with Innocent veg pots – three servings of vegetables (plus other yummy but I’m-too-lazy-to-make stuff like brown rice or couscous) in a 300-calorie pot much tastier than anything I’d be able to rustle up myself. I add some chicken or prawns (and OK, I admit it, in one case a tiny snack-size Waitrose pork pie) and figure I have just about cancelled out all the other crap I’ve been eating lately. Just about.
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Ahh sweetie, you sound so sad. I don't think there's a short cut through this but you WILL come through the other side. I give you my personal guarantee that in a year's time you'll be rolling your eyes in disbelief that you allowed BN2 (and I've figured out that stands for Bastard Nob by the way!) to cause you this pain. You WILL feel better but it's the getting through it. I don't underestimate your pain though.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think he well might promise/agree/say anything but the sad thing is that you know these would be empty words and he'd have you back in that little cage before you knew what had hit you.
lots of love
Peridot x
I had a similar thing when I split with my first long term boyfriend. I had to mourn the future we'd never have - the kids I'd created in my mind etc. Give yourself time and have a good wallow....then dust yourself off and move forwards. x
ReplyDeleteI think you're doing the right thing by blogging. you're letting yourself process and deal with these feelings instead of bottling them up and acting like they don't exist. I am always terrible at dealing with my emotions and instead make impulisve decisions that have life-long repercussions. So take a word from someone who's been there, and deal. Deal with yourself and the relationship that was and that could have been. YOu're doing the right thing as sucky as it may feel right now.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I start to mourn the fact that I won't be doing something as a couple with my husband (attending events, trips, family gatherings) since we are divorced, my sister reminds me that he probably would never have gone anyway. And that is a big part of why we are divorced. I do mourn the life I had planned for us, but the reality is that it never would have worked the way I wanted because he wasn't that guy in my dreams.
ReplyDeleteAs far as writing the letter, I think you are right that you will probably be opening yourself up to more damage. He seems like he will try to 'argue' you into staying with him. Why on earth would you want to do that? You should be with someone because you love him and he loves you and treats you with the ultimate respect and tenderness, not because he tells you that your reasons for leaving are not good enough.
Good luck getting through this rough time - I am sorry that you have to feel so bad!