Like the whirring of a particularly loud air conditioner that suddenly you miss when it stops, all is eerily silent. I haven’t heard from BN2 since Saturday or his mother since yesterday.
Still, I think about him often. Things I’ll never do with him again, things we spoke about doing that now won’t, places that remind me of him (luckily, we spent very little time in my neighborhood, so in fact things could be worse). It’s like someone died. I interviewed the top barista in the world today – he operates from an unmarked cart in the East End – and wanted to tell him about it. Then I remembered he was never all that interested in what I did anyway. In 16 months of dating I don’t think he ever read anything I wrote, though he insisted I watch all the videos he edited and sulked if I didn’t jump up and down with enthusiasm at the prospect.
Every hour, it seems, my feelings change. Sometimes drastically – I can tear up at a moment’s notice – sometimes subtly.
But in the space of a day – today – I’ve gone from being fairly sure I’ll finish writing that note to BN2 explaining more fully why I left to thinking that maybe, just maybe, I won’t. Why subject myself to something – his reaction – that will no doubt cause further damage to me?
I feel a bit stronger, and yet still I want to make this OK for him, even though I know I can’t – and shouldn’t.
Today I randomly met a (slightly crazy) woman who escaped what sounds like a similar situation, except her man was an alcoholic. She said she’s become obsessed with diagnosing him – she thinks he has borderline personality disorder – and wonders why I don’t feel the same. I thought about it, and told her the truth: That I was more concerned with myself and why I allowed myself to be treated so poorly and for so long, and that maybe I’d worry about labeling him when I’d sorted myself out.
* * *
The £6.99 charity shop Temperley dress fits. I’d planned to wear it to BN2’s birthday. A friend says he may take me as his plus one to the Cartier Polo, so maybe all is not lost.
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I was convinced that chris had BPD too... still am... and he wasn't an alcoholic, but grew up in an alcoholic home... I was also obsessed with diagnosing him / fixing him and that's why I let teh BS continue for so long.
ReplyDeleteOf course you want to tell him stuff, he's been "your person" for a long time.
IT will get better, I promise, hang in there.
~J
PS: Chris never read anything I wrote either. Guys I met on match.com spent time reading all my work before we even met in person, and my boyfriend / best friend of 5 years couldn't even be bothered. Lovely.
Hi Beth
ReplyDeleteI don´t think you should "answer" him - it is part of a communication game he is playing and a way for him to stay in contact with you...women do this too (I know). No answer you could ever give him will satisfy him anyway, maybe it will just enrage him i the worse case.
Walk away, even if he thinks forever more you are a terrible person for not "explaining" yourself to him - you don´t owe him anything- Please believe this.
Look after yourself!
Renia
Beth - I read your blog all the time and just HAD to say this:
ReplyDeleteWhy the bloody HELL is his MOTHER contacting you?! That's just sooooo bizarre!
I'm really sorry you're going through all this but can't help feeling it's the right thing. for you. for your sanity. for life as you know it.
Really hope you're ok.
Lizzie x
It's taken me a year to sort myself out after a really bad boyfriend and breakup. We broke up in March last year, and I am only now getting myself back. You need to give yourself time for yourself and space away from HIM. Don't write to him/don't communicate with him. Just be around friends and stay away from him or his mother for the time being!
ReplyDeletefoodiegettingfit dot wordpress dot com