Tired and Hungry

Warning: I am exhausted and low.

The exhaustion is from lack of sleep, cumulative alcohol consumption (I’ve drunk every night this week except one – very rare for me), and general weariness of dealing. Today I received another email from BN2’s mother. And I had to write to BN2 himself, since I’d said I’d be in touch.

I ended up not sending him anything remotely like the note I started composing yesterday – only a brief email saying I’d asked him to give me space and time and that I’d like to give him an explanation beyond the one I already gave, but that I felt pushed and not ready. I said I’d be in touch when I could, and asked him – again – to respect my need for space and time.

I sent that about 2:30 pm, and since then have been uneasy, waiting for some kind of upsetting response. I know it’s going to make him angry. What I felt like writing to him was that if he’d respected my space and time than maybe I’d have given him a response sooner (which I think is true), but saying so wouldn’t have been productive. I’m just trying to keep my side of the street clean, frankly. I haven’t been all that proud of some of my behavior in recent months, and it doesn’t make it right for me to claim he pushed me to it.

It hasn’t helped my mood that I’ve been hungry almost all day, a combination of being tired and up very early, plus some unwise food choices (such as a lunch that used up my calorie allotment but I knew wouldn’t fill me up – I chose it because I was in a rush). I also did something today I never do, which is to have an extra snack: my Victoria sponge. Hmmm, M&S’s is not worth it. I’m glad I know so I can stop eyeing it longingly.